The Love They Lost

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”  George Santayana

The Love They Lost, Living with the Legacy of Our Parent’s Divorce, By Stephanie Staal, is a book about the lingering effects of parental divorce. This book makes a nice additional read to Judith Wallerstein’s 25 year study of divorce. Stephanie interviews over one hundred adult children of divorce now in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. Each chapter covers different aspects of a divorce’s effect on children, as the author weaves the personal experiences of her interviewees throughout the book, as well as her own experiences. I would think that for many children of a divorce, it is reassuring to realize that they are not alone, and to better understand where some of their concerns are rooted, as they enter adult relationships. As a parent, feelings of guilt for the pain their divorce many have caused their children, may make the book difficult to read at times, but for a child of divorce, I would imagine the book gives voice to many of their feelings.

For many children of divorce, what they miss most is the feeling of a complete family.  Life, as a family, will never be the same. I think for many of us parents, we miss that as well. We may not fully realize what we have lost out on until the drama of the divorce is past, and our children have become adults, and begin lives of their own.

“After wading through books and numerous studies on divorce, this is what I realized, the one true thing:  Those of us who have lived through divorce can’t possibly squeeze the light and shadow of our lives into a model, or a graph, or a chart.  We long for stories, not theory.  We crave a forum to share our experiences, not open them up for judgement.  Stories – yours and mine – are what guide us, forming what author, Jill Ker Conway calls our “inner life plots,” and it is only through stories that many of us gain true insight into our own lives.  We may be struggling in our intimate relationships, but when we hear of others’ struggles we realize that we are not alone.”

Staal describes why many adult children of divorce usually show three different types of behavior in their romantic relationships: “the nester,” “the wary investor” and the “commitment-phobe.”  Finally she  does leave the reader with a feeling of hope, which is much appreciated.

“As a child I learned hard and fast that everything can fall apart; but as an adult I am slowly learning that everything can come together.”

I would definitely recommend this book first and foremost as one that covers all aspects of being a child of divorce, and is a wonderful resource to creating your own life with hope and confidence.

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