The Partnership at Drugfree.org has two new television public service announcements out on Denial and Enabling, as part of their “Emotional Drugs.” campaign.

These videos demonstrate examples of how some parent interactions with their teens could be harmful and promote a lack of mutual respect. They are aimed at parents who have middle or high school age teens that have not gone down the road of addiction, but are still at the stage of experimentation or substance abuse.

Denial 

A parent’s primary job is to prepare their child for life in the real world. We prepare our children from the start to be strong, healthy, live independently and make good choices.

Yet there are times when things don’t work out the way we expected. Our teens begin experimenting with drugs or alcohol and as much as we want to believe they on the right track, this experimentation may lead them down the road to destruction.

The problem for many parents is that we often put blinders on and refuse to acknowledge a problem that is right in front of us. Some may take the attitude that if I do not see it, it is not happening.

When we do acknowledge the problem, we may make the decision that we do not need outside help. This decision may prove to be more than the parent can handle. You may not realize how bad the drug or alcohol problem really is.

If your teenager is using, convicted of taking drugs or arrested for possession, do something now rather than think it is only a phase they are going through.

Some parents are very “with it,” and yet others are too busy to see their child’s behavior. Many families have two working parents. They may also be struggling because one or both have lost their jobs. They have rent or mortgages to pay, several children to think about, and may be caring for their own parents as well.

In the everyday grind of getting through the day, parents are tired, overworked and stressed. Parents often may choose the path of least resistance, without considering how this negative pattern will harm their child in the long run. They may let questionable situations with their teens go and hope for the best.

We want to believe our children are on the road to being self-sufficient and upstanding members of society. When we see tell tale signs that this is not the case, rather than following through and finding out exactly what is going on, we may subconsciously look the other way. It’s easier.

Even though we want to believe that things will work out on their own, it is the parent’s responsibility to take the initiative and ensure that their teenagers are on the right track.

Here are some ways to let go of denial, take the initiative and become more involved.

• Recognize that you are in denial.
• Ask questions and seek information.
• Know where your kids are and how to contact them.
• Talk to your kids often about the dangers of peer pressure, alcohol and drug use.
• Connect with other parents and agree to share information if they feel a child’s behavior may cause them harm.
• Educate yourself about what is happening in your community regarding teen drug and alcohol use.
• Do not blame yourself for your child’s problems.
• Let go your embarrassment and get your child the help that they need.
• Don’t be a Not-MY-Child parent. Do not write off a drug or alcohol problem as teens-will-be-teens.
• Set aside quality time to spend with your child so that you can have fun together and build a bond with your teen.

Take an interest in your teenager’s lives and be aware of who they are hanging out with. In many cases, your teen will feel that you are interfering and imposing on their freedom. They may give you the silent treatment or you may even be shunned by your teen.

As painful as this may feel, as your teen grow older, these feelings will pass.

This is a much better option than to have your child spiral out of control, end up overdosing or incarcerated.

Enabling

Enabling is usually born out of parental love and concern, as well as not wanting to see your teen suffer. Parents love their children and want the best for them. Sometimes, parent’s sincere efforts at being helpful and kind with their children can cross over to enabling.

Parents can at times unconsciously cover up or make excuses for the negative, addictive or severe dysfunctional behaviors of their children. It is enabling when we do our children’s homework for them or cover up for their uncompleted work. Enabling becomes dangerous when we facilitate our child’s use of drugs or alcohol.

In more severe cases, parents consistently take the side of their child against other children, parents, as well as teachers, principals and the police. We all should be our child’s protector and stand up for our children when the situation warrants it. There are times however, when parents want to hold everyone accountable except their own child, no matter how serious the situation.

Teen parties can be complicated situations. Some parents thinking that they are being kind, have the dreaded teen party. They may naively set boundaries against no alcohol, or they may have convinced themselves that it is better for their children to drink at home since they are going to do it anyway.

It is very difficult to know what the party guests are doing at any given time, whether there are limits against drinking or not. Some parents, like William and Cynthia Burnett of Menlo Park, CA have even been arrested for hosting a teen party that resulted in drinking. Fully monitoring a teen party can be an impossible task.

Parents who enable their children want to stay in their comfort level without considering the long term consequences. Children who are rescued by their parents often don’t know how to function in the “real world” when they are adults.

Parents believe their child’s behavior reflects their own self worth. If a child demonstrates negative or addictive behavior, the parents may feel that they are not good people. You can now understand the shame parents feel when their child becomes addicted.

Children who have been enabled have no reason to change their behavior, nor do they have a clear understanding of the consequences of their behavior.

Children learn values, confidence, strength and discipline from their parents. Those skills are internalized when we hold our children accountable if they make a mistake, and when we praise them for a job well done. Teens learn these skills when they are encouraged to stand on their own two feet.

“A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self destruct.” Naomi Sternberg

How far in life will this false sense of entitlement take a child?

According to Al-Anon, helping is doing something for someone who is not able to do for himself whether short term or long term. Enabling, or rescuing, is doing something for someone who could do it for himself but for some reason or reasons, does not. These reasons can vary from feeling entitled, blaming others for his inaction, feeling victimized, being accustomed to being saved and spared by others, or other reasons.

Here are some ways that parents can change this harmful enabling pattern.

• Realize that you have an enabling problem.
• Let go of your defensive behavior.
• Don’t take responsibility for issues or problems that belong to your teen and not to you.
• Do not rescue your child by fixing their problems.
• Don’t bargain with your child by promising gifts for behavior changes.
• Do not tolerate intolerable behavior such as cursing, or disrespect to family members.
• Define clear boundaries with your teen and stick to them.
• Follow through on appropriate consequences for rule infractions.
• Let your teen know that you will not tell lies, make excuses or cover up for them in any way.
• Emotionally detach yourself from the burden of your child’s bad behaviors.
• Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions.
• Do not excuse your child’s negative behaviors. Seek professional help for your teen or direct your adult child to do the same.
• Set clear and reasonable boundaries and follow through which will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

I did many things right when I raised my kids, but I have also been down the road of denial and enabling. I’ve tried to solve the problems of my kids at certain points in their lives. I’ve believed things were just fine and hoped for the best at other times.

There are better options.

We as parents should strive to understand the difference between helping and enabling in order to maintain and sustain healthy relationships with our children and with each other.

Letting our children suffer the consequences of their actions may be difficult, but it is the best way to ensure that they will become responsible problem solvers who can handle the world as adults.

Do you find yourself in denial or enabling your teens or adult children? Share your thoughts in comments.