TreatmentTalk – psychology

This is a guest post by Jason Anthony.

Do you find the people and circumstances you encounter to be troublesome and difficult to deal with?

Some of the more stressful aspects we face in our personal and professional lives are managing our perceptions, beliefs, and emotions when dealing with others, stress, and negative situations.

We like to think that the people we care about have our best interest at heart, and the world is working with us, but sometimes this just isn’t the case. Sometimes the actions and behaviors of those close to us create the most damage, and sometimes the situations we end up in can be difficult to process or manage.

Jason Anthony

When you work towards strengthening your personal boundary managing and processing these occurrences becomes a breeze. You become less affected by what happens to you and more effective in what will happen for you.

In it’s simplest form, your personal boundary is an invisible force that holds together who you are as an individual. It contains your thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions, core beliefs, values, and energy. These are substances that make up your life and who you are. In the same way that a rubber balloon holds air, your personal boundary is responsible for holding in all your resources.

Now, picture in your mind that you just filled a shiny red balloon up with air and you have the end clasped between your finger and thumb. What happens if you let your fingers go? What happens if you or someone else pokes a hole in it? The balloon either pops or the air rushes out, sending the balloon out of control and out of your reach.

Signs of a Weak Personal Boundary

With weak boundaries its easy to allow someone or something to pop the balloon. It’s even easier to pop it yourself or let it slip out of your fingers. When this happens it feels like you’re drained and have no energy. Your thoughts become scattered and cloudy, and soon emotions tend to override logic and reality.

Simply put, a poor boundary leaves you feeling like you have no control. Its at this point where everything outside of yourself dictates how you act and behave. Your mood and feelings are based on whats happening to you. You become reactive and responsive to whats around you, rather than proactive and in charge of yourself and your direction.

It’s a scary feeling, and something I’ve dealt with on a personal level. It took some dire events in my life to realize that I was the only one able to do something about it, but before I could do so I had to single out what it was that needed corrected.

Identifying The Improvement Areas

Depending on your situation there can be a number of factors contributing to a weakened boundary. They can range from family members and spouses, to outside factors like finances, your career, and something as simple as sitting in rush hour traffic. It can be physical or mental, or both, there are no limits to what we can let affect us.

If someone or something is causing turmoil, stress, drama, and sucking the resources from you, then they’re easily identifiable as an area which needs improvement. It can even be you. For myself it was a huge struggle with my self-esteem. I had a horrible sense of self-worth and as a result I was a burden and drained myself and the people around me that I cared about.

Its important to include all the areas, including yourself. How do you feel about who you are? How do you react to others? How do you approach conflict? Take an inventory of all the elements in your life that you are currently struggling with.

Thoughts will always remain thoughts if you do nothing about it, so list them out with a pencil, pen, or type them. By defining the issues and making them tangible, you make them manageable.

Strengthen Your Identity

With a list in hand you can now prioritize and categorize each instance. Which are the most urgent and should be dealt with immediately, and what can wait for another time.

Don’t worry if your number one priority may take more time than number 3 or 4. You can still hold the importance of one obstacle as a main priority as you work towards eliminating others.

For example, losing weight or quitting smoking may rank high on your list, but they take a considerable amount of time to accomplish. Keep them up there, but also work at chipping away at everything else on your list in the mean time, too. This will help you build momentum along the way.

Now comes the fun part.

I’m sure you will agree that time and energy are two rare and precious commodities. Since they’re such exceptional assets, it only makes sense to choose how you will spend them. You can do this by applying the 100/0 Rule.

This simply means you take full responsibility for the matters that are 100% in your control – everything inside the balloon. Your feelings, emotions, beliefs, ideas, thoughts, decisions and actions.

In terms of what you can control, you have 0% of everything outside of the balloon. Family and friends, co-workers, traffic, weather, finances and the economy, and even your spouse and your children. Don’t be mistaken here, you may have X amount of responsibility when it comes to these things, but they are stand alone entities in their own balloons, for which you cannot control.

Another amazing and invigorating advantage you have in strengthening your identity is the power of saying “no.” Unfortunately there are people out there who tend to take advantage of another persons good will.

By saying no you are putting decision making power in your hands. Remember that you can’t be all things to all people and it’s perfectly OK to decline a request for a favor or pass on an invite. In doing this you are making your boundary visible to others and yourself. You do not have to shut everything out of your life, but try saying no every now and then, I think you’ll like it.

By strengthening your boundary you increase your level of self-worth and set healthy limitations on your relationships and with the people in your life. This is a natural way to build confidence and a sense of value in yourself. In practicing and making yourself a priority, you’ll start to notice how things that may have derailed you in the past seem to roll off your shoulders. Its a great feeling!

Action Steps To Take Today

Identify the areas of your life where you feel drained.
Can you control it? Apply and reinforce the 100/0 Rule with consistency.
Practice saying no and taking control where necessary.
Celebrate your efforts and victories – you deserve it.

Remember to monitor and track your progress along the way. Even if you’re still waging war, you can celebrate the victory of the smaller battles along the way. Each time you advance forward its a step closer to your goal and that is something you can be proud of.

It is my sincere wish that by sharing some of these ideas with you that you may gain a fresh perspective or perhaps something to hold on to, refine, or use as your own for many years to come. Now I’d like to hear what you think. Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments.

Jason Anthony is founder of EvenMinds, a site which focuses on human potential and the fundamentals behind dynamic behavior. Visit today for free resources on improving your health and wellness and to learn more about what you can do to find personal and professional fulfillment.

The bookstores these days are lined with books on the topic of addiction and recovery.

That seems to tell something about the interest in this topic and the impact this disease has on families. Here are two of the many books that have been helpful to me and that I would recommend if you are starting down this road with your child or other family member.

The Lost Years

I was stunned by the depth of her denial. She truly believed that somehow this was all going to pass and everything would be okay. She was so wrong. I was worn out and ready to get on with my life, even if she was not.” ~ Constance Curry

Have you read The Lost Years, by Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry? This is a book I would definitely recommend if you are struggling with addiction in your family.

This book was recommended to me through a friend, and it one of the main books that has stayed with me through this process. This is not a book of advice about the disease of addiction, but rather tells Kristina’s struggle and pain with her disease and her harrowing journey to recovery. It is one of the most engaging books that I have ever read on the topic.

The story keeps you interested and yearning to find out more, as you feel the depth of despair that her family endured.

Kristana’s mother is Constance Curry. Constance had a strong ability to seek help for Kristina when she saw the need, and was also able to detach when her family’s safety was at stake. She stood by her daughter as long as she could, but when she realized her entire family was feeling the emotional exhaustion of Kristina’s relentless addiction, did she give in to the need to let go. One of the key parts of this amazing story reveals a mother’s strength and determination knowing that her daughter, Kristina was at death’s door.

Kristina has gone on to use her experience as an addict to help others in this devastating situation. She is now an addiction counselor, and a nationally recognized interventionist, with her own company, Full Circle Intervention.

You may also have seen Kristina as the host of “Addicted,” on TLC, and she is filming now for the second season. Kristina has been a role model and the beacon of hope for many. If Kristina, who was on the verge of death on the floor of a homeless shelter can turn her life around, there is hope out there for anyone.

Why Don’t They Just Quit

Quitting, as wonderful as that may be, is not the same as recovery. Recovery means taking responsibility for the broken relationships that occurred when the addict was using. Repairing broken relationships is critical to the process of recovery. With patience and time, progress can be made. Never give up hope.

Another book that gives a great amount of factual information on the subject of drug abuse is Why Don’t they Just Quit, by Joe Herzanek, (founder of Changing Lives Foundation).

This is a very thorough book that explains all aspects of addition and recovery. Joe tells his own story throughout the book. For anyone new to addiction, this book would be helpful and gives you a complete overview of the topic.

Joe intersperses quotes throughout the books to emphasize his topic. There is a questionnaire at the end of the book to determine if you or someone you care about is a heavy user or addict, as well as a glossary to explain the addiction and recovery terms that Joe uses throughout the book.

Why Don’t they Just Quit helps family members understand the confusion, drama and pain of addiction. Joe gives a clear and real picture so you don’t feel so alone. Understanding drug abuse and your role in the situation, helps family members, especially parents let go of their guilt and shame, and move on with their lives.

Joe writes the book very clearly in an easy to read format which holds your interest from beginning to end. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who is dealing with a family member’s addiction.

Links to these books and many more informative books can be found on the lower sidebar and on the Resource Page.

Do you have a book you can recommend on the subject of addiction? Let me know in comments.

Be Well,