Is letting go of your attachment to a family member’s pain one of your struggles?
I know it has been mine.
We resist the change in our loved one, and want things to be the same as they were before the pain started.
We all just want the pain to go away and go back to life as it used to be.
If we let go, it’s like letting go of the string of a balloon. We watch our balloon float away, and we know we have lost control. We wonder which direction the balloon will take, and if the balloon will ever come back.
When we let go of our family member’s pain, our fear is that our family member won’t seek recovery, at least not on our time table and maybe not at all.
For parents, this fear can take over our life. With time hopefully we are able to let go and see our attachment for what it is. It may be a way of blaming others for our pain, or it may be a way to control those around us.
Letting your child or family member know that you love them unconditionally, reminds them that there is someone in the world that truly cares. Setting up boundaries for what you will accept in your life helps keep you safe and helps protect your emotional as well as physical health. Giving money or enabling just prolongs the process. When you are ready, let go…
From “The Language of Letting Go,” by Melody Beattie, this is an entry that touched my heart and I hope it speaks to you as well.
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we were meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be.
If you enjoyed this post, please share it on the share buttons to the left.
How has letting go affected you? Do you feel that it is the way to recovery? Let us know in comments.
Be Well,
Beyond Addiction:
Embrace the New Life
This FREE Ebook will show you how to create the LIFE you want after addiction.
- Accept and cope with your family's addiction.
- Create your own life rather than react to events around you
- Don't feel so alone on your addiction journey.
- Experience new meaning for your life.
- Find peace, serenity and joy
Cathy – this is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it!
I love it too Lisa!
Cathy,
This is so beautifully written and such a great reminder that we cannot force anyone to cross the bridge. Your words and this bridge image are very clear reminders of the importance of letting others proceed as only THEY can.
Thanks.
Hi Robyn,
You are so right! I feel the entry gives us some guidance on the best way to proceed. Thanks for stopping by.
This is just what I needed to read at this time. Thank you so much for sharing
Hi Sharon, I’m so glad that it helped. I think this passage really makes it clear. Thanks for stopping by and making a comment.
Cathy,
Everything you said is right on target. I have lived through this, and it is the only way for a loved one to recover. We cannot make their problems ours. Great piece….
Hi Tammy,
Thanks for sharing your experience. Parents, I believe, have the hardest time letting go, but there are no words that really can make a difference until the person is ready for recovery.
Appreciate your comment!
I don’t know if I am on the right site—I have an adult child (41 Years old) he has been sober for 3 years, lost his job, moved from calif. to KY. can not find work, living in a trailer and doing crack.
Yes we send him money, tried to cover his checks that bounced, but he used the money for crack. He has been in the best rehabs in the US. he has had thearpy for many years, he started his drug of choice in high school at the age of 15. He is 2 years sober and back on drugs again–we can not afford to help anymore, but I just can’t leave him in another state not knowing what is happening.
Need to hear from all of you, or am I in the wrong place? Should I be on another website?
Hi Marcia,
You are the right website and I hope I can be of help to you. You need to make the best choice for you and your family, but my experience has been that giving someone money that is still addicted only enables the addicted person and extends their addiction. They never have the opportunity to feel the life choices they are making. Is it more important to you that you know what is happening and fuel his addiction, or to stop sending him money and have a chance that he will come to understand that his life is not working and he needs to make some changes? Unfortunately there are no guarantees in addiction, but letting go of his issues will give you a chance to find serenity and begin to have a peaceful life.
Hi Cathy,
Recovery and healing are inside jobs. We each have our own path and our own time of readiness. No one can drag you and me or anyone else across the bridge. Recovery is challenging enough when you want it badly for yourself.
Of course it helps to have people who care, give you encouragement, support and love. We all can use acceptance, and support. We can hold hands with those who are committed to their healing. This is one of the most important work any of us can do in this world.
For those who have loved ones who are not in recovery the best gift you can give those you love is your own example. Showing them there is hope and healing is possible for them. Ultimately this is the best gift you can give the world too.
Your own journey of healing is inextricably connected to the healing of others and the world at large. When you heal yourself you heal the world.
Peace, Love & Gratitude,
Neseret
Hi Neseret,
Well said. I agree that we have to be an example to others and give them the gift of taking responsibility for their own lives. We can try and hold on to others and try to push them across the bridge, but most of us familiar with how addiction works know that everyone needs to find recovery in their own time. Thanks for your comment.