Don’t regret the past, don’t rehearse the future, live in the present moment.
Do you feel regret over your past?
We all feel regret at some point during our life. It is part of being human.
Regret can leave us stuck, not able to let go, and not able to move forward. We dwell on past events that we feel were harmful to others or to ourselves.
Sometimes we regret something small, such as being late to an appointment or missing an event with family or friends. Other times we have larger regrets. We feel our actions have negatively changed ours or someone else’e life.
The definition of regret from dictionary.com is to feel sorrow or remorse and to think of it with a sense of loss.
We often feel regret when we feel sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance or guilt. To those of us with addiction in the family, these words are all too familiar.
We feel sadness over our family situation and that our dreams or the dreams of our loved one will not be fulfilled. We may feel sad to watch the harm that someone else is causing himself and others. We realize that a life is being wasted and we feel sad.
Shame is when you feel that you have done something terribly wrong. You don’t want others to know, because not only do you feel bad about your situation, you also feel that you are a flawed person. Your shame is yours alone.
When we are embarrassed, we are uncomfortable with ourselves because we’ve experienced a socially unacceptable act that others have witnessed. Spilling coffee on ourselves or falling down comes to my mind as an embarrassing situation. As opposed to shame, the act is not morally wrong, it’s just a social faux pas.
Depression may be brought on because of a situation that we regret. It’s sadness that reaches beyond normal sadness or grief. We may continue to think about what happened, while our mood continues to go downhill. Freud linked the development of depression to guilt and conflict. Some people are more easily affected by depression than others.
Annoyance can just be about something we find irritating with ourselves or with others. It feels like the beginning stages of anger that most likely will simmer and fade away or possibly explode into a full outburst. Annoyance can be a way to express the regret we have over something we have done in the past.
Guilt is about our behavior, We’re focused not on ourselves, but on the behavior in question. When we feel guilt, we tell ourselves “I did something bad.” The good news on guilt is that although we feel bad about the act, we don’t feel that we are a flawed person. Guilt gives us some time for our feelings, but allows us to pick ourselves up and move on. It doesn’t linger. It may be the initial stage of regret.
I’d like to share Kathryn Schulz’s TED talk on Regret. She is the first person I’ve heard openly speak about regretting their tattoo in such detail. Clearly her talk is about so much more. It addresses the regret we all have felt it at some point in our lives.
We make choices in life. We are all human, so making mistakes is really part of the game of life. When are able to accept our flaws and move on, we have a better chance of enjoying our life and not dwelling on what could have been.
For any of us dealing with addiction, regret seems to enter our minds somewhere along our journey. Be it that we regret our bad habits, or we regret things we’ve done that we feel may have caused the bad habits of others. Holding onto regrets is not healthy and doesn’t support our efforts to move forward with our lives.
As Kathryn says, ”The point isn’t to live without any regrets, the point is to not hate ourselves for having them.”
Do you have regrets? Have you learned to let go of them or made peace with them? Be sure to let us know in comments.
take care,
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Hi Cathy,
I have many regrets however don’t dwell on them any more, I used to though. Occasionally they surface however I quickly push them aside. Actually, when they do surface, they act as a spur to keep me moving in my new, better direction and give me more desire to achieve what I am after.
So that being said, living with regret can be manageable. Use the “regret” as a type of re inforcement to move forward not backward. Thank you……..I don’t have any tatoos.
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted..Living Life Today – Thoughts that catch the heart are incredibly important
Hi David,
I don’t have any tattoos either, but I’m sure I’ve had my share of other mistakes through the years. Don’t we all? I have spent time with regretting my past as well, but have learned that it isn’t useful. We learn from our past and move on. Holding onto regrets does keep us in the past. Thanks for the comment.
Cathy recently posted..Have You Had Any Regrets Lately?
I love her message. Because it’s normal to regret things, but it can really tie you up if you let that regret get in the way of your life. Great message. Thanks for sharing.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Finally a Reason to Love the Dog
Hi Missy,
Yes, I thought she shared her story well and it lends itself to so many other areas in life. When we don’t let go of our regrets, it does hold us back. Thanks so much for your comment.
Great post!
Hi Sheila,
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by Treatment Talk.
What a great post Cathy. So many of us are carrying around emotional baggage that hasn’t been cleaned up and dealt with. The great thing is that we can separate our true selves from our perceived wrong doings.
Justin Mazza recently posted..The Unhealed Shadow Self
Hi Justin,
I agree. When we don’t let go of our past mistakes and move on, we can’t fully enjoy the present. Thanks for your comment.
Yes indeed, that is a big one Cathy. The amount of energy we can expend beating ourselves up is seemingly inexhaustible. This I know first hand! Now, I love it when I notice this inner weakness, and
take responsibility for it – it gives me the strength to make changes. When we become an expert at the art of regret, we come up with a lifetime of clever excuses to avoid discovering your hidden talents and unrealized potential. The way to the truth requires accepting that we’re wrong about every woeful, regretful attitude that we hold tight to. Woeful attitudes are dangerous; they convince you
that harmful guilt ridden regrets are helpful. Honest self-facing helps us see the insanity of this kind of thinking. What a wonderfully startling wakeup call this was for me!
rob white recently posted..Intelligence is Limber
Hi Rob,
It took me awhile to get this one straight as well. Letting go of those regretful thoughts really brings freedom and lifts the burden of feeling bad about ourselves. Just accepting that we are not perfect, we make mistakes, and other people do as well can make a difference in how we view ourselves, and our outlook on life. Regrets are best left in the past. Thanks for your comment.
Cathy recently posted..Have You Had Any Regrets Lately?
Cathy,
I do have one regret, a mistake I made last week. And I’ve been punishing myself for it relentlessly. After watching the video I cried and saw how ridiculous I was being. Then I felt free the rest of the day and today I KNOW I let it go. Woo hoo. This was life changing for me. Thanks.
Tess The Bold Lifet recently posted..Get In the Hot Spot Interview # 8 With Annabel Candy and Give-Away
Hi Tess,
We all have those moments when we make mistakes and feel it harms ourselves or others. I think Kathryn really took us through the whole process of letting go of our regrets. I felt better after I watched it as well. Thanks for sharing. Glad the video was of help to you!
I’ve learned my lesson and have move on. Regrets make only things worst. Also this lyrics from a song makes me feel better: “leave the past in the past, gonna find the future!” It really helps me a lot.
Dirk recently posted..how to meet women
Hi DIrk,
I like those lyrics – thanks for sharing. We all need to learn that lesson, and sometimes it takes awhile. It does feel better to be able to shed those negative feelings. Thanks for stopping by and your comment.
This is another wonderful post, Cathy! I remember recently going through a long slog of regret until it finally hit me while I was swimming that I didn’t have to handle everything perfectly (which was part of what was compounding my regret — sadness that someone else wasn’t “getting” what I meant). For me it was acknowledging the regret, taking time to go through the scenario to see if there was/is something more I could/want to do about the cause of the regret, and then accepting (believing!) I’d done the best I could so it was OK to let it go — and this time, snip the string so that I could not pull it back! Thanks so much, Cathy!
Lisa Frederiksen – BreakingTheCycles.com recently posted..December is National Drunk & Drugged Driving Month
Hi Lisa,
Isn’t is wonderful to have these insights when we are exercising. I know when I’m running or walking, sometimes the best stuff comes to mind. It takes getting away from all the distractions that keep us stuck in our ruts. When we forgive ourselves, it also helps to let go. I know I went through a long period of feeling like I had made some really bad mistakes and harmed others because of the them. I as well, can only go for so long until I realize how unproductive it all is. We all try to do the best we can at the time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Very interesting definition of regret. I don’t have any regrets but I know I’ve made some bad choices all through my life. But I truly feel it’s gotten me where I am know. I don’t dwell on the past and in my definition of regret, dwelling on the past is part of it.
Anyway, really enjoyed the TED video! Thanks for sharing!
Betsy at Zen Mama recently posted..What We Think We Become
This is excellent, Cathy. Kathryn puts into words my feelings about one particular regret I’ve lived with for many years now. It’s been a process to work through,but it’s made me a better person. I totally agree with Kathryn’s message.
Thanks for sharing!
Marianne recently posted..My New Friend
I remember, long ago, when I wanted to write a book (still do) I thought I would title it “No Regrets”. Regret is a killer and curtails our appreciation of life. Great post, Cathy. It is a favorite topic with me.
Vidya Sury recently posted..A Sight For My Sore Eyes
Hi Vidya,
That would have a great book. We can often be saddled with regrets. We can all move through life making peace with our regrets if we focus on letting go and forgiving ourselves. It then gives us a life of freedom and joy. Take care.
Cathy recently posted..How to Overcome Addictions
While I’ve certainly had regrets, I’ve found that letting them go is the only choice. I can’t change the past. I can only strive not to make the same mistakes going forward. And I ask others for forgiveness for the things I regret. I can’t control their actions. I can only do my best.
Thanks for a great post Cathy!
Paige | simple mindfulness recently posted..Your Attitude Determines Your Outcome
Hi Paige,
Letting go is the only choice – you’ve said it well! Hanging on just stifles us and we stay stuck. I have found that when I let go, I feel so much more free and open to new possibilities. Take care.
Cathy recently posted..My Journey Through Al-Anon
Cathy, this post moved me to tears. You are so “right on” about how regret can keep us stuck and unable to move on. Thanks for helping me put some regrets into proper perspective. We all are just doing the best that we can – me included.
Hi Becky,
I’m glad the post resonated with you. I have felt stuck at times in my life as well, and could not let go of feeling responsible for things that were out of my control. For me it is an ongoing process, but we are not perfect, we are only human. So often we put aside all the positive things that we have done and focus only on the negative, so it helps to let go of our regrets.Take care.
Cathy recently posted..How to Help Yourself and Get Your Life Back