The Partnership at Drugfree.org has two new television public service announcements out on Denial and Enabling, as part of their “Emotional Drugs.” campaign.

These videos demonstrate examples of how some parent interactions with their teens could be harmful and promote a lack of mutual respect. They are aimed at parents who have middle or high school age teens that have not gone down the road of addiction, but are still at the stage of experimentation or substance abuse.

Denial 

A parent’s primary job is to prepare their child for life in the real world. We prepare our children from the start to be strong, healthy, live independently and make good choices.

Yet there are times when things don’t work out the way we expected. Our teens begin experimenting with drugs or alcohol and as much as we want to believe they on the right track, this experimentation may lead them down the road to destruction.

The problem for many parents is that we often put blinders on and refuse to acknowledge a problem that is right in front of us. Some may take the attitude that if I do not see it, it is not happening.

When we do acknowledge the problem, we may make the decision that we do not need outside help. This decision may prove to be more than the parent can handle. You may not realize how bad the drug or alcohol problem really is.

If your teenager is using, convicted of taking drugs or arrested for possession, do something now rather than think it is only a phase they are going through.

Some parents are very “with it,” and yet others are too busy to see their child’s behavior. Many families have two working parents. They may also be struggling because one or both have lost their jobs. They have rent or mortgages to pay, several children to think about, and may be caring for their own parents as well.

In the everyday grind of getting through the day, parents are tired, overworked and stressed. Parents often may choose the path of least resistance, without considering how this negative pattern will harm their child in the long run. They may let questionable situations with their teens go and hope for the best.

We want to believe our children are on the road to being self-sufficient and upstanding members of society. When we see tell tale signs that this is not the case, rather than following through and finding out exactly what is going on, we may subconsciously look the other way. It’s easier.

Even though we want to believe that things will work out on their own, it is the parent’s responsibility to take the initiative and ensure that their teenagers are on the right track.

Here are some ways to let go of denial, take the initiative and become more involved.

• Recognize that you are in denial.
• Ask questions and seek information.
• Know where your kids are and how to contact them.
• Talk to your kids often about the dangers of peer pressure, alcohol and drug use.
• Connect with other parents and agree to share information if they feel a child’s behavior may cause them harm.
• Educate yourself about what is happening in your community regarding teen drug and alcohol use.
• Do not blame yourself for your child’s problems.
• Let go your embarrassment and get your child the help that they need.
• Don’t be a Not-MY-Child parent. Do not write off a drug or alcohol problem as teens-will-be-teens.
• Set aside quality time to spend with your child so that you can have fun together and build a bond with your teen.

Take an interest in your teenager’s lives and be aware of who they are hanging out with. In many cases, your teen will feel that you are interfering and imposing on their freedom. They may give you the silent treatment or you may even be shunned by your teen.

As painful as this may feel, as your teen grow older, these feelings will pass.

This is a much better option than to have your child spiral out of control, end up overdosing or incarcerated.

Enabling

Enabling is usually born out of parental love and concern, as well as not wanting to see your teen suffer. Parents love their children and want the best for them. Sometimes, parent’s sincere efforts at being helpful and kind with their children can cross over to enabling.

Parents can at times unconsciously cover up or make excuses for the negative, addictive or severe dysfunctional behaviors of their children. It is enabling when we do our children’s homework for them or cover up for their uncompleted work. Enabling becomes dangerous when we facilitate our child’s use of drugs or alcohol.

In more severe cases, parents consistently take the side of their child against other children, parents, as well as teachers, principals and the police. We all should be our child’s protector and stand up for our children when the situation warrants it. There are times however, when parents want to hold everyone accountable except their own child, no matter how serious the situation.

Teen parties can be complicated situations. Some parents thinking that they are being kind, have the dreaded teen party. They may naively set boundaries against no alcohol, or they may have convinced themselves that it is better for their children to drink at home since they are going to do it anyway.

It is very difficult to know what the party guests are doing at any given time, whether there are limits against drinking or not. Some parents, like William and Cynthia Burnett of Menlo Park, CA have even been arrested for hosting a teen party that resulted in drinking. Fully monitoring a teen party can be an impossible task.

Parents who enable their children want to stay in their comfort level without considering the long term consequences. Children who are rescued by their parents often don’t know how to function in the “real world” when they are adults.

Parents believe their child’s behavior reflects their own self worth. If a child demonstrates negative or addictive behavior, the parents may feel that they are not good people. You can now understand the shame parents feel when their child becomes addicted.

Children who have been enabled have no reason to change their behavior, nor do they have a clear understanding of the consequences of their behavior.

Children learn values, confidence, strength and discipline from their parents. Those skills are internalized when we hold our children accountable if they make a mistake, and when we praise them for a job well done. Teens learn these skills when they are encouraged to stand on their own two feet.

“A parent who continuously rescues his child when he acts out is trying to be a loving parent but on a deeper level is trying to rescue himself from the pain of seeing his child self destruct.” Naomi Sternberg

How far in life will this false sense of entitlement take a child?

According to Al-Anon, helping is doing something for someone who is not able to do for himself whether short term or long term. Enabling, or rescuing, is doing something for someone who could do it for himself but for some reason or reasons, does not. These reasons can vary from feeling entitled, blaming others for his inaction, feeling victimized, being accustomed to being saved and spared by others, or other reasons.

Here are some ways that parents can change this harmful enabling pattern.

• Realize that you have an enabling problem.
• Let go of your defensive behavior.
• Don’t take responsibility for issues or problems that belong to your teen and not to you.
• Do not rescue your child by fixing their problems.
• Don’t bargain with your child by promising gifts for behavior changes.
• Do not tolerate intolerable behavior such as cursing, or disrespect to family members.
• Define clear boundaries with your teen and stick to them.
• Follow through on appropriate consequences for rule infractions.
• Let your teen know that you will not tell lies, make excuses or cover up for them in any way.
• Emotionally detach yourself from the burden of your child’s bad behaviors.
• Allow your child to experience the consequences of his actions.
• Do not excuse your child’s negative behaviors. Seek professional help for your teen or direct your adult child to do the same.
• Set clear and reasonable boundaries and follow through which will create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

I did many things right when I raised my kids, but I have also been down the road of denial and enabling. I’ve tried to solve the problems of my kids at certain points in their lives. I’ve believed things were just fine and hoped for the best at other times.

There are better options.

We as parents should strive to understand the difference between helping and enabling in order to maintain and sustain healthy relationships with our children and with each other.

Letting our children suffer the consequences of their actions may be difficult, but it is the best way to ensure that they will become responsible problem solvers who can handle the world as adults.

Do you find yourself in denial or enabling your teens or adult children? Share your thoughts in comments.

I recently finished Mark’s Matthew’s book Stray, and found it to be intriguing; a book combining the disease of addiction intertwined with lost dogs looking for a new life. It held my interest to the point where I couldn’t put it down. Stray is a book for anyone, but if your family has been touched by addiction, this book will engage you in so many ways.

Please meet Mark Matthews, author of Stray and The Jade Rabbit.

Mark Matthews

Q. Please explain your personal story.

Well, first off, if I hadn’t gotten sober myself there was no way I’d be alive today.  I had Alcoholic hepatitis of the liver, was bleeding internally, had many detox stays and half-measures to get sober, and was full of incredible despair. When I did take the steps to get sober, and the little joys were sprinkled upon me, I gathered them up to my current situation. Married, two children, and a couple of novels.  Yes, life has actually been stranger in sobriety than addiction, but I am soaking all of it in, triumph and tragedy.

Q. Why did you decide to become an addiction counselor? 

I had come to respect what they do so much. It was clear this wasn’t just a job, it was who they were, a part of them.  The ones I gravitated to had a spiritual aura that I admired and envied.  After six months sober I went back to finish my bachelors degree and there was a social service class where I could get credits tutoring adolescents in a treatment center.  Then, while working for my Masters, I worked as a counselor technician for Brighton Hospital. Since then, I have had two long runs as a therapist in residential treatment.

As I evolved into the field, I’ve learned a lot about the difference between 12 step work and therapy. I think the two get confused too much in addiction treatment.

Q. What inspired you to write your book, Stray? Why a novel?

Writers were always my heroes. So many books shaped who I am. I wrote down a bucket list and “write a novel” was near the top.  As for the particular subject matter of “Stray”, it came to me after working at a treatment center that shared a parking lot with a next door animal shelter. I would get into my car each night and listen to the barking dogs and think how their sounds of distress were not much different than the souls of the addicts in distress I had been hearing all day.  The setting of “Stray” is 100% true. Oddly enough, some of the feedback has been about the dark and grim subject matter of the novel, but the material had to actually be watered down to be believable.  The truth of the stories I heard at work were perhaps more intense than the novel. Ultimately, the story is full of compassion and redemption.

Q. What is the overall message that you want readers to take away from your book?

That we are all flowing in and out of each other all the time, how coincidence is just gods way of remaining anonymous, and how all of us are fractured, wounded, and hurting to some extent and are yearning to feel safe and whole.  This is especially true in the world of addiction. I wanted to share the nature of family legacies and addiction, and the struggle to break free from those legacies.  Three main characters in “Stray” are all sons of addicts who must bear the burdens of their father.  Some break free, others don’t.

On a more personal level, I wanted to display how the helping profession and caregivers, while often in a different level of crisis than those they serve, are also struggling with personal issues.  They make selfish decisions and are neither good nor bad but shades of grey.

Q.  What are three things that you have learned about addiction?

1. Addiction changes you in so many ways; physically, spiritually, emotionally, and it takes a long, long time to get yourself to a sane place.  Patience is the hardest thing, because if you could let an addict know what they will be feeling five years later if they just stayed sober, it would help so much, yet at that point it’s inconceivable. You don’t realize how crazy you were in your addiction until later, much later, when you can look back and see clearly.

2. There is nothing as industrious and creative as the power of an addict trying to reach his high. Nothing. And nothing more miraculous than for one in the throes of cravings of addiction to go a single day without picking up.

3.  Addiction hurts the family deeper since they have no control over losing their loved one slowly. There isn’t a parent of an addict out there who hasn’t already imagined the death of their child, and the single ring of the phone at night brings images of tears and funerals.

Q.  What advice do you have for parents of drug addicts/alcoholics who may be going through substance abuse treatment?

Such a hard thing to consider as a parent myself. For one thing, addicts will make parents think they are the crazy one, so don’t get manipulated and twisted around. Don’t own undue shame and blame that may be thrust upon you.  Sure, you have made mistakes, own up to them, but don’t own all your kids mistakes.  You’re not the one they clap for picking up the one year token or 30 day key tag, so don’t own all the blame.

Keep hopeful.  Every addict who gets sober is the one people think will never get sober, because it’s the desperate ones who take desperate measures. It’s become cliché to say, but, ‘Treatment Works.’

Do something drastic to break your own patterns as well to end the toxic dance. There is a family in “Stray” where a mom ultimately can’t break her relationship pattern with her alcoholic enmeshed son and it’s so just sad and somber.  These family therapy scenes are straight from reality.

I’m very grateful my own children are growing up in a completely sober household.

Q. What are your hobbies and/or interests when you are not working or writing books?

Running is one of my current drugs of choice, and I’ve done a dozen marathons and am training for 2 more this year. And I have the funnest family in the world.  We love to travel when we can afford to, but are just as happy with our trampoline out back or playing charades. In my addiction, I had no idea what I would do for fun without using, and now I’ve come to believe what they were all telling me… There won’t be enough time in the day for all the things you want to do.

take care,

Blues legend Etta James passed away last month from terminal leukemia.

Whitney Houston whose timeless voice was a combination of gospel, soul, rock and pop was found dead Saturday afternoon at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. She was only 48 years old. There is no known cause of Whitney’s death at this time, but she, like Etta James battled the disease of addiction during her lifetime.

Etta James

“When I look out at the people and they look at me and they’re smiling, then I know that I’m loved. That is the time when I have no worries, no problems.” Etta James

In 1960, Etta was introduced to heroin.  She made some of her best recordings at this time while still trying to maintain her drug lifestyle. She spent all her money on drugs, and almost sacrificed her career.

In 1974 she was given the choice by a judge to recover in a psychiatric hospital or face prison. It took more than two decades for Etta to overcome her addiction, but by the 90’s she had reached a new generation of fans and won a Grammy.

She did find recovery in the end. She finally found her true self, and the life she had been fighting for. Etta James passed away on January 20, 2012 at 73, and will be remembered as one of the greatest singers of all time.

Whitney Houston

“When I heard Aretha, I could feel her emotional delivery so clearly. It came from down deep within. That’s what I wanted to do.” Whitney Houston

During the 1980’s to the late 1990s, Whitney was one the world’s best-selling artists. She  had a beautiful voice and a polished look. She made her debut album in 1985 which sold millions, and won her the first of six Grammys for “Saving All My Love for You.”

Successfully taking her music to the movies, she starred in “The Bodyguard” and “Waiting to Exhale.”

Unfortunately, Houston’s drug use took it’s toll on her career and record sales started to decline. She admitted to Oprah in 2010 that doing drugs was an everyday thing by the time “The Preacher’s Wife” was released. She had gone to rehab twice and declared herself drug free.

In 2009, with her latest album, “I look To You,” she appeared to be making a comeback, but her promotional concerts didn’t go well as expected, and some concert dates were cancelled.

The music from both of these women was a source of inspiration for me. Etta James, “At Last” was played at my wedding, ten years ago. The song was perfect for us, because I had met my husband later in life and we felt that at last we were home.

I loved Whitney Houston’s music as well, and listened to it often. One of my favorites was “I Will Always Love You,” from the movie the Bodyguard.

The song reminded me of a time in my life, when I was in a relationship that was ending. We needed to go our separate ways, although I knew the love would always be there. Another favorite was “You’ll Never Stand Alone,” which felt like a gift of hope and support for those that needed it.

Celebrities are in a unique situation when they have to battle their demons in the public eye. They are not only suffering like anyone else with this brain disease, but they have the world watching, which can just add to the stress.

It saddened me to watch Whitney’s struggling at the end of her career. For someone who gave so much joy, she couldn’t seem to find happiness for herself. She was the golden girl for many years, having sold more than 55 million records in the US.

Whitney Houston was a beautiful woman, with an amazing voice, but as time went on, you could sense the battle she was having to maintain control of her life.

Addiction does not discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are a world class singer, a regular person living from one paycheck to the next, or if you have no paycheck at all.

Creative talent does not mix well with addiction, because once you are hooked, it takes over your life.  Addiction controls the brain sending the message that your survival depends on your drug of choice. Your talent, ambition, creativity and zest for life takes a back seat.

It’s a victory to find recovery at any point in one’s life. Finding a life of peace where you again have your freedom and serenity is the greatest gift one can receive no matter what your social status.

Whitney and Etta were both someone’s daughter and someone’s mother. Our hearts go out to their families for their loss.

Etta and Whitney had remarkable voices and talent, and both women will be vocal legends never to be forgotten. Their music will live on through time.

“Etta James was a pioneer. Her ever-changing sound has influenced rock ‘n’ roll, rhythm and blues, pop, soul and jazz artists, marking her place as one of the most important female artists of our time,” Terry Stewart, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame president and CEO.

Houston “…was one of the world’s greatest pop singers of all time who leaves behind a robust musical soundtrack spanning the past three decades.” Neil Portnow, Recording Academy President and CEO.

Let’s remember both of these women for their incredible gift of music and the joy they have given us.

take care,

Be sure to download your copy of 101 Natural Highs for an Amazing Drug Free Life.

Photo credits: Goldi.rock and Neno8403

We send our children off to college with anticipation, excitement and the best of intentions. Parents assume as our kids leave the nest that they are prepared for all aspects of college life.

We are shocked, mortified and saddened to discover that our college student is off the deep end and addicted to drugs or alcohol. After all the careful college planning, the rug feels like it has been pulled out from under us.

Many times kids do take their substance abuse to the next level when they leave home and go off to college. They suddenly have the freedom to make their own choices without their parents monitoring their every move.

When teens are dabbling in drugs and alcohol in high school, their experimentation can turn into an addiction.  They are among a large number of students and drugs and alcohol are easily accessible. Their use can escalate very quickly.

It may never have occurred to these students, much less their parents, that their habit was this out of control, but young people are the most vulnerable to addiction. Their brains are not fully developed in the areas of judgement control, emotion and impulse until about age 25.

It starts with your child admitting their drug or alcohol use, and making the decision to get treatment and find recovery. There are many options for continuing their college education, so do not give up hope.

Your child’s transcript may be dismal at best. It may feel like your hard earned dollars for your child’s college education has just gone down the drain.  Although this is a major setback, there are programs out there to get your college student back on track, and inspire them to accomplish their goals.

One option is for your child to go back to college and live in a sober dorm. It is important to carefully consider with the help of a professional whether the student should go back to the same college or transfer to a new campus. Many times those triggers, such as old drinking and drugging buddies, will be waiting for them at their original campus. Moving to a new school, allows the student to have a fresh start in a new environment.

According to NY Times article, “A Bridge to Recovery on Campus,” Rutgers was mentioned as one campus that is providing recovery dorms tucked away on campus. Their program started in 1988 and it was the first of its kind. Lisa Laitman, Director of its Alcohol and Other Drug Assistance Program helped create the program after she saw that students were struggling to abstain, and that newly recovered students were put under pressure with dorm related parties.

Rutgers appears to be the first, but the numbers are growing with over 20 programs and more to come. Texas Tech University has used $900,000 in federal grants to help campuses build programs.

At Rutgers, the students attend an NA or AA meeting at least twice a week, a group meeting with an addiction therapist during their first year of recovery and a monthly house meeting.

They have fun as well by studying together, making runs to Starbucks and competing in intramural soccer and softball leagues. Having fun in recovery helps to ensure their long term sobriety, and sets the stage for lasting change in their life.

At University of Michigan, students can choose a recovery room from the residential drop down menu to live with a roommate who has a similar interest. A recovery room is not just substance free, it is for students who are actively pursuing staying sober.

More colleges have since joined the Association of Recovery Schools giving students the opportunity to continue their education, and become the person they were meant to be.

For more information about the Association of Recovery Schools click here.  You will find links to other colleges, that support a student’s recovery.

Another option, is from Sober Living by the Sea, a treatment center and sober living home in Newport Beach, CA, which combines residential treatment with classes. The  T.E.A.C.H. Program is available for students wishing to continue their college education.  They have counselors in place to help students with their transcripts, finding programs, enrollment and more.

Saddleback and Orange Coast College, which are both two year junior colleges are located near Sober Living by the Sea. These types of programs help students, who have lost their self confidence and still feel the shame of their addiction, find their way back so that they are able to pursue their education.

My daughter’s college program followed a similar path. She had been a student at the University of Colorado in Boulder when we discovered that she had become addicted to crystal meth. After attending a wilderness program in Utah, she went to a women’s treatment program in Costa Mesa, CA which borders Newport Beach.

Her first semester back at Orange Coast College, she took two classes and worked part time, as a way to start slowly and gain her confidence as a student. She, like many newly recovered college students, had a low grade point average on her transcript and was nervous about starting college again.

She finished the two year program at Orange Coast and went on to graduate from Cal State Fullerton, a nearby state college, always holding down a part time job to help pay expenses.

She has accepted what she missed out on when she gave up her college experience at Colorado, but as we all know, your life changes when you succumb to drug addiction.

Her recovery has been one day at a time for the past 7 years. She has found a career that she loves, so all was not lost. I do believe she is a much more centered, and mature person because of this experience.

As one Rutger’s student said, “It must suck to be our parents.” Most of us who have experienced having an addicted child agree that it isn’t easy. Finding the right program for your college student may make all the difference.

If you find yourself in a situation where your college student becomes addicted, remain calm and don’t panic. There will definitely be challenges for every family member, but there is hope and your child can get their life back just like mine did.

What do you think about recovery support for college students? Do you know about any other colleges that provide this type of service. Let us know in comments.

take care,

If you grew up in a family with alcohol abuse, remember you are not alone. Nearly seventy-six million American adults have been exposed to alcoholism in their family, as well as one in every four families. Alcoholism is responsible for more family problems than any other single cause.*

It all begins in the womb. If a woman drinks an alcohol during her pregnancy, the concentration of alcohol in her unborn baby’s bloodstream is the same level as her own. She may give birth to a baby with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which is one of the three top known causes of birth defects.

It doesn’t stop there.

Many normal children of alcoholics have common symptoms such as low self-esteem, loneliness, guilt, feelings of helplessness, fear of abandonment, and chronic depression. They may feel responsible for the problems of the alcoholic and may think they created the problem. Children of alcoholics may feel high levels of tension and stress.

Living with a parent who drinks excessively may make the children in the family feel embarrassed, angry, sad, or hurt. They may feel helpless and frustrated when the parent promises to stop drinking and they don’t keep their promises.

Children may be mistreated, or neglected, for instance coming home from school to find their parent passed out on the couch. They may spend a lot of energy trying to figure out a parent’s mood or guess what the parent wants.

The parent may even be visibly drunk in public which can cause a child embarrassment and confusion. Children can be put in a dangerous situation when the parent who is the car has been drinking.

Even if the alcoholic himself ultimately reforms, the family members who were so greatly affected may not themselves ever recover from the problems inflicted upon them. 

The Village Fog is a video by Alaska Youth who feel like they’re living in “a fog” when the adults of their community use and abuse alcohol and drugs.

The alcoholic’s codependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family.” The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home to hide problems caused by alcoholism. Family members often forget about their own needs and desires in their efforts to hide the problem.

Children may try to control or cure the drinking parent, because they may feel responsible for the problems of their parents. Problems of depression, aggression, or impulsive behavior are not uncommon.

The Emotions

From the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, here are some of the conflicting emotions that a child may be feeling as they are being raised in an alcoholic home:

• Guilt - The child may see himself or herself as the main cause of the mother’s or father’s drinking.
• Anxiety - The child may worry constantly about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear fights and violence between the parents.
• Embarrassment - Parents may give the child the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid to ask anyone for help.
• Inability to have close relationships - Because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others.
• Confusion - The alcoholic parent will change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child’s behavior.  A  regular daily schedule, which is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing.
• Anger - The child feels anger at the alcoholic parent for drinking, and may be angry at the nonalcoholic parent for lack of support and protection.
• Depression - The child feels lonely and helpless to change the situation.

Although each family is different, people who grow up with alcoholic parents often feel alone, unloved, depressed, or burdened by the secret life they lead at home.

Seeking Support

It is not possible to stop another person’s drinking or their behavior.  But seeking support whenever possible can help. Older children may be able to seek help for themselves.

Here are some ways to find help:

Admit that there is problem. ~ Many children are put in the position of trying to hide the problem or protect their parents. Take control by admitting that there is a problem, even if the parent won’t.

Recognize your feelings ~ Recognizing how a parent’s problem drinking makes you feel can help you from burying your feelings and pretending that everything’s OK.

Find New Role Models ~ Finding new role models can help children learn healthy ways to handle the difficult situation and learn better ways to make good decisions,

Share your Feelings ~ Share your feelings with a friend, but also talk to a trusted adult, such as a family member, parent of a close friend, school counselor, favorite teacher or coach.

Be Aware of Your Own Risks ~ Teenage children of alcoholics are at higher risk of becoming alcoholics themselves. Scientists think this is because of genetics and the environment that kids grow up in. For example, people might learn to drink as a way to avoid fear, boredom, anxiety, sadness, or other unpleasant feelings.

Reach out for Help - Al-Anon/Alateen are two supportive groups that can help. The main goal of these organizations is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic’s drinking problems and that the family members’ recovery does not depend upon the alcoholic’s recovery. They also have a 24 hour hotline at 1-800-344-2666.

Partnership at Drugfree.org has a free helpline as well, and can give support and/or direct a teen to the support they need. Their number is 1-855-DRUGFREE.

Supportive Books for Children

Below are some books that might be helpful to children in this situation.

An Elephant in the Living Room The Children’s Book, by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo

A Young Person’s Guide to the Twelve Steps, by Stephen Roos

My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View: Living with Addiction, by Claudia Black

My Big Sister Takes Drugs, by Judith Vigna

When a Family is in Trouble: Children Can Cope with Grief from Drug and Alcohol Addiction, by Marge Heegaard

The Dragon Who Lives at Our House (Fresh Fables), By Elaine Mitchell Palmore and Norris Hall

I can Say No: A Child’s Book about Drug Abuse(Hurts of a Childhood Series) by Doris Sanford and Graci Evans

The Addiction Monster and The Square Cat, by Sheryl Letzgus McGinnis

A Terrible Thing Happened – a story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma, by Margaret M. Holmes

For Teenagers Living With a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs, By Edith Hornik-Beer

Mommy’s Gone to Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson

Remember you are not alone. You can be loving and supportive, but you cannot stop someone from drinking. Talking about the problem, finding support, and seeking healthy ways to deal with the situation are all good choices.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Many adult children often go through life not realizing that their reactions and issues in life may be a result of having grown up in a family with an alcoholic parent. To a greater or lesser degree, our history follows us into adulthood and can have negative consequences in many areas, such as health, work, and relationships.

Adult children of alcoholics follow one or two paths, as they seem to have difficulty navigating the middle road.  They either follow the path of trying to be perfect or super-responsible. When they follow this path, they have a strong need to be in control, and fear being out of control.  

Or, they are super irresponsible or may even succumb to the disease of addiction themselves. Problems of depression, aggression, or impulsive behavior are not uncommon among adult children of alcoholics.

Understanding, accepting and making peace with your past will help you to move forward in your life, and open your heart to love.

Children of Alcoholics Week is February 12-18th  – A celebration of Hope and Healing. 

If you know a family with children suffering because their parent or parents are alcoholics, don’t hesitate to reach out to them with your support. To find out more go to National Association of Children of Alcoholics. 

Finally, some important points to remember and discuss are that neither the child nor any other family member caused the disease, are able to cure or control the disease.

It is important that all family members take care of themselves and stay healthy.

Remember to communicate your feelings, make healthy choices, celebrate who you are, especially your strengths and abilities as individuals and as a family so that you can live life to the fullest.

Please forward this post to anyone that might find it helpful.

* SAMHSA

Have you been in this situation? What have you done as an adult to make peace with your past? What tips can you add that would help a child of an alcoholic parent?

take care,

I always find that once the holidays are over, January and February seem to slide by and then we are heading into spring! I’m one for flowers and sunshine, so spring is one of my favorite months. Getting back out in the yard always feels good as well as opening up those windows and letting in some fresh air.

I was born in Indiana, but have been a California girl since I was one, and thus have no memory of ever experiencing the heavy snows and single digit temperatures. Many do love winter though, with skiing, sledding and the beautiful snow. Whatever your preference, this too shall pass and we will be on to the next season before we know it.

For all you dog lovers, I wanted to share with you my guest post at Tiny Buddha, What Dogs Teach Us about Peace, Joy and Living in the Now.  Lori Deschene has built an amazing site  about reflecting on simple wisdom with thousands of followers. Be sure to check out her website and her new book, Tiny Buddha, Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions.

Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expected. We have plans, dreams and somehow we became sidetracked. When we, our child, our sibling, or our parents turn over the control of their life to a substance, we may feel as if we have surprisingly stepped into quicksand and realize the more we struggle, the further down we sink.

Make that choice to take back control of who you really are whether you’ve fallen victim to the disease of addiction or you’ve turned your whole life upside down obsessing over the addict’s every move. Life is so short. We want to experience it all being fully awake knowing every possibility is available to us, and that we are not limited by our bad habits, worry or fear.

Get back your freedom, your joy, your life:

1. Developing Intuition, Identifying Intuition and Getting Unstuck too!, by Angela Artemis

2. Thought for Today – Thich Nhat Hanh on Miracles, by Fran Sorin

3. What’s On Your Gratitude List Today?, by Paige Burkes

4. Create Your Own Love Story, by Tess Marshall

5. How to lovingly support someone who is experiencing Hopelessness and Depression, by Zeenat Merchant-Syal

A Little Inspiration:

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

“Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly.”

“A thoroughly good relationship with ourselves results in being still, which doesn’t mean we don’t run and jump and dance about. It means there’s not compulsiveness. We don’t overwork, overeat, oversmoke, overseduce. In short, we begin to stop causing harm.”

“Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it.”

“Without giving up hope – that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be – we will never relax with where we are or who we are.” ~ Pema Chodron, author of When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Last Month’s Posts:

• Let Go of Your Bad Habits and Find Your Passion
• Ten Things Addiction Has Taught Me
• Zen Mama: Letting Go Leads to Happiness
• How to Find Your Way Through Fear
• Meet Tess Marshall: Creator of Take Your Fear and Shove It
• Purple Drank: A Deadly Cocktail in the Hip Hop Community
• Treatment Talk Monthly Message – December 2011
• 101 Natural Highs for an Amazing Drug Free Life
• Reminder: You Are Not Alone on Your Addiction Journey

Do you ever feel as if you just cannot let go of your bad habits?  We all want to live a healthy life with energy and purpose and find that peace and serenity that is available to all of us.

Why is it so difficult to let go of the habits that are holding us back? We want to exercise, simplify our life, and be healthy. Bad habits which can bring us to our knees such as drinking too much, doing drugs, food, sex, shopping, and even the internet can hold us back from following our dreams. At times these habits and/or addictions feel like they have a stranglehold on our life or on the life of someone we love.

We all voluntarily try something out of curiosity or boredom, because we want a quick fix to our feelings of pain, or a break from our stress. For some of us, a bad habit can lead to self destruction.

Here is a list of some bad habits that have the potential to become self destructive addictions. They may surprise you.

• Coffee  – Six to seven cups a day qualifies for a caffeine addiction.
• Gambling  – About 1 percent of adults are pathological gamblers, 2 to 3 percent have less significant, yet serious, gambling problems.
• Food addiction  – About 2 percent of adults in the U.S. have a binge-eating disorder.
• Internet Addiction  – About 6 million are hooked. Men and women are susceptible at roughly the same rates.
• Oniomania/Compulsive Shopping – This often leads to hoarding and affects 1 in 20 American adults.
• Alcoholism – This is major public health problem in the U.S., costing about $170 billion annually for medical issues such as liver and kidney failure, drunk-driving accidents and violent crimes.
• Heroin  – In 2009, 605,000 Americans age 12 and older have abused heroin at least once in the past year.*
• Marijuana  – In 2009, 28.5 million Americans age 12 and older have abused marijuana at least once in the past year.*
• Nicotine  – More than 400,000 Americans die from smoking-related illnesses each year.
• Prescription Drug Abuse – About 20 percent of people in the United States have used prescription drugs for nonmedical reasons.
• Workaholism  – this excessive commitment to labor draws every bit of energy from the addict.
• Love Addiction – The love addict will never let it go, affecting his health and relationships until he falls in love again.
• Sex Addiction  - The craving for sexual gratification is as old as human history. But modern dysfunctional families are often blamed for turning a human urge into sexually compulsive behavior, and some feel that easy Internet access has only added to the woes.
• Television Addiction  - The average is four hours a day. A sixty five year old will have spent nine years in front of the TV.
• Teeth Whitening Addiction – They have been called bleaching junkies and they have made teeth whitening the top requested cosmetic dental procedure in the U.S.
• Exercise Addiction  - Someone who sacrifices his health and social life for their addiction.
• Tanorexia/Tanning Addiction – A healthy glow in excess affects the feel-good endorphins in the body. A disruption triggers withdrawal symptoms.

These are all bad habits and can easily become addictions when taken to extreme. Some of these addictions have a cult like status to them, but nevertheless, the underlying human need is the same.  These habits when done to excess, will not provide anything positive to your life.

The pain is there in all these bad habits. It is just expressed in different ways.

Let go of your bad habit, and find your passion to fill the void.  Refocus your time, energy, emotions and physical being into developing a successful and satisfying lifestyle.

Everyone has to find the answer that works for them, but finding healthier habits will lead to better results. Here are some ideas that might work for you.

• Run or walk
• Play Water Polo or Basketball
• Try Yoga or Tennis
• Fish or Go for a Hike
• Watch the Sunrise and/or Sunset
• Build something or Decorate Your Home
• Go to a Concert or Join a Chorus and Sing
• Act in a Local Production or Go See the Latest Movie
• Read a Book or Learn a New Language
• Try Ceramics or Take Up Knitting
• Volunteer at the Humane Society or Visit the Zoo
• Play Cards or Work on a Crossword Puzzle
• Connect with Other People and Have Empathy for Others
• Meditate and Live in the Present Moment
• Join a Support Group and Volunteer

Finding a positive habit can change your life in ways that you would never imagine. Your  creativity will find the space it needs to come through and flourish.

Your mind will remain calm and peaceful as you let go and find positive activities that bring you joy.  Your confidence and smile will return. Doing the work that it takes to rid ourselves of our bad habits is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Looking for more ideas? Download my new ebook, 101 Natural Highs for an Amazing Drug Free Life.

*Source: National Survey on Drug Use and Health

Addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer. It has no respect for anyone.  ~ Joe Herzanek

When I started the teenage years with my children, I never imagined it would end with their substance abuse and addiction. One of the things that is deceiving for parents is that if you experimented in high school or college and left it at that – experimentation – you expect that your children will as well.

Some parents may not be surprised if their kids try drinking and maybe even if they smoke marijuana, as they feel this is still within the range of normal teenage behavior.  Everyone agrees that harder drugs are dangerous.

Many teens do try drinking and smoking pot and don’t become addicted.  Our inner feeling and hope is that this is a temporary situation and it will pass as our children grow and mature.

Yet, this experimentation can become an issue because our kids are taking a risk. We have no way to predict whether our child will later become addicted to alcohol, marijuana or any number of other drugs. I know, as a former parent of a teenager, this is one of the biggest challenges.

In the 2009 DAWN* survey of hospital Emergency Department visits, marijuana was involved in 375,000 emergency room visits, with about two-thirds (65%) of patients being male, and 12 percent between the ages of 12 and 17.

Did you ever experiment with drinking and drugs? I know I did. Many of us tried drinking during our teen years, and many of us have memories of occasionally over doing it. We were not comfortable with how we felt the next day. It just didn’t feel right.

When I graduated from college, married and started working, any experimentation with drugs and drinking to excess had no place in my life. Something inside me gave that clear message, that enough is enough. It is time to grow up and be responsible. I followed that inner voice. Call it maturity or the end of a rite of passage, but it was not difficult. I hardly remember the transition at all.

That is the difference between what alcoholics call “normal” people and people with addictive personalities. When you are an addict, there is no inner voice strong enough to let you know that it is time to stop. Your habit has taken over.  You know deep down that your habit is unhealthy, but you have lost all control.  That inner voice is never heard, because the drug is the one who is now in control of your brain.

You cannot tell in advance if you will become addicted. It is true that some people are more at risk than others—if you have a family member with drug problems you may be at greater risk since addiction is about 50% genetics. NIDA

Prescription drug abuse is now the latest drug of choice. For your children, this drug may be the easiest of all to find. It is “legal” and can be found right at home in your medicine cabinet. Take a moment to lock up your medications. This is an overall good practice, but especially if you have teens living at home. It is a protection for them.

In 2007, prescription pain medications like Vicodin and OxyContin were involved in more overdose deaths than heroin and cocaine combined. ~ NIDA 

Where does that leave our kids? It leaves us all in the situation of understanding that when our kids drink and use drugs, this may be a phase, or it may be the start of their downhill slide into alcoholism or drug addiction that will turn into a battle for their life. 

Addiction has taught me many things. Here are ten:

1)  Addiction doesn’t discriminate. No one is immune and I am not alone with this disease. I never thought addiction could happen to  our family, but it did.

2) I cannot control my child’s or anyone’s addiction.

3) Addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease that goes beyond the addict’s use of drugs.

4) To help yourself and your child, you need to educate yourself about addiction.

5) Let go of expectations. Worry or future tripping has no positive outcome.

6)  Addiction disconnects us from ourself, others, our spirituality and our life.

7) Finding a quiet time each day to access your inner thoughts will bring you closer to peace and serenity.

8) Al-Anon gave me the strength to carry on. Parents in this situation need support. We can support each other.

9) Take the time for self care to keep your body and your mind in a healthy state.

10) The stigma of addiction holds us back from getting the help we may need, and from having addiction reach the same level of awareness as other worthy causes such as Breast Cancer or AIDS.

At the end of the day, addiction is the card that I have been dealt. For some reason, it was meant to be part of my life. I’ve needed to accept and understand why this disease affected my family. With every experience there is a lesson and usually a silver lining.

I would not wish this disease on you or any of your family members, but since I’ve already experienced it, I can say with all truthfulness, that although my life will never be the same, it is better for having had the experience. I have met some amazing people because of it, and I hope through my journey, I have become a better person.

By educating yourself on the dangers of substance abuse and addiction, my hope is that your family will be spared this devastating disease.

All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill.  ~ Russell Brand

What are your thoughts about teens and substance abuse? How can we help our kids stay healthy?  I would love to connect with you on twitter and Facebook.  

Take care,

1.Please introduce yourself to the readers.

I am Betsy Henry, author of How To Be A Zen Mama, Zen Mama’s Book of Quotes and The Zen Mama’s Blog.  I’m a preschool teacher during the day and write as my alter ego at the Zen Mama’s Blog at night.  I’m very happily married to John, the Zen Papa, who is a big part of my work as many of the posts I write began as a conversation first. 

I am a mother to three boys who are now 21, 18 and 14.  It has been a fun, crazy, adventurous learning experience being a mother. 

Betsy Henry

2.  Tell us about HOW TO BE A ZEN MAMA?  Why were you motivated to write this book?

My husband and I had just finished a challenging year with two of our three children; grades had fallen and limits were being tested. The teenage years are not easy, as anyone with even one teenage child will tell you. Being a positive and optimistic person, I tried to find the lessons in all of our experiences and understand where we had made mistakes.

I couldn’t continue to be the angry person I’d become over the summer and the new school year. I was a frantic, nagging mother worried about my kids in this modern world with text messaging and Facebook and our demanding culture that wants them to be volunteers, super athletes and ivy league students.

Yet, at my job as a preschool teacher, I felt more Zen-like, giving out pearls of wisdom to those overly concerned parents of my 3-5 year old kids. I decided at that point that I had my own life to live and needed to let my children live their lives. If I let go, maybe we’d all be happier. I decided to combine the two ideas: the frantic mother and the Zen like teacher, and become one, become a “Zen Mama”.

The book flowed once I got started.  I was up a lot at night worrying so I opened up 13 word processing files for chapters on my computer.  Each night I was up, I would write advice to myself in one or more of the chapters.  It’s meant to be a short book and easy to read.  Even the busiest mother/parent has time to read it.

3.Tell us about your book Zen Mama’s Book of Quotes. Why did you write it?

I’ve always loved quotes.  My first quote book was given to me by my aunt in 5th grade.  I find quotes to be like poetry.

Reading a positive quote can change my whole day.  Over the last few years I’ve been collecting quotes on my computer for other possible books, my blog posts and the daily quote I put on my facebook page.  I was asked by some family members for the quotes and I suddenly realized there was enough for a book.

I loved putting this together in 5 categories Letting Go, Practicing, Discovering Yourself, Embracing Life and Following Your Path.  I added some of my photography and voila, the book was born.

4.What is the focus of your website Zen Mama and why did you start it? How can becoming a zen mama help parents who are struggling with their teens?

My focus is to help parents to stop worrying, let go and get closer to your kids. How do you become closer to your kids? When you’re not worrying that their life is a mess, you stop criticizing and being mad at them. Slowly they feel that you’re trusting them more and they open up and want to be around you.

Teens are often rebels, looking for a reaction and sometimes negative attention.  Some parts of being a Zen Mama mean talking in a more positive way, accepting them for who they are and trying to enjoy their interests.  I really recommend humor.

In the book and on my website I write about ideas on how to do this.  We are having a much easier time with 3rd child as a teenager because we incorporated all the Zen Mama principles into our life.

Does being a Zen Mama mean that I’ve let go of our responsibilities as parents?  That anything goes?  No, that is the misconception sometimes.  It mainly means that I’ve changed myself and my reactions to just about everything.

5. What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

I have so many interests… reading, watching movies, hiking, cooking, walking, and gardening.  Having a great conversation over coffee or a glass of wine is also one of my favorite things to do. I’m in middle of writing two Zen Mama books, plus I’m working on a children’s book with the rest of the family.   I am never bored!!

How do you think letting go would improve your life?  Do you love quotes? Please leave your favorite quote in comments. I would love to connect with you on twitter and Facebook.  

“That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” ~ Chinese proverb

Have you felt fear recently?

I know I have.

The thing is when we have the disease of addiction in the family we have a very specific fear.

I received a comment yesterday from a reader looking for grief support as he had just lost his son. This is our ultimate fear – that we will lose our child or our family member to this devastating disease.

Unfortunately many families have suffered this ultimate loss and our hearts go out to them. If you need support from a loss due to addiction, please see my post, When Addiction Wins: Support for Grieving Families.  If you have additional information on where to turn for grief support, please share in comments.

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.” Louisa May Alcott

For those families dealing with active addiction, remember that there is always hope for your loved one. Relapse can often be part of the bumpy process to finally reach long term recovery.

Every parent has occasional thoughts of worry regarding their teen or adult children. We worry about whether they are they making the right life choices, and in this economy whether they going to be able to support themselves.

When our kids are making poor decisions, we do need to step back and realize that we cannot fix our children’s problems. We certainly can offer help, but they ultimately are the only ones who are in charge of their lives.

At some point, we need to let go of our worries. We need to give our kids the gift of being responsible for themselves. In the end, this gift will lift the burden of responsibility off our shoulders. It will help our children to be more confident, and responsible regarding their own life choices.

Fear and worry can encompass our lives. It can stop us cold. No matter what our circumstances we can live our best lives without fear dictating our every waking breath.

“The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exist. Ours only is the present’s tiny point.”  ~ Mahmud Shabistari

It can be a challenge when you have addiction in your family. Here are twelve ways to let go.

1. Overcome your fear one step at a time. Close the Pandora’s box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices and relentless self-criticism. Pay attention to the now which will help to stop the “what ifs” and “should haves.

2. Mindfully experience less doubt, worry, and fear and more peace, love, and happiness. Take a hard look at the source of your anxiety and find the courage to face that which is causing you pain.

3. Wonderful things can happen when you participate in your own life. Remember that when you avoid taking risks, fear is there holding you back. Face your fear and you will find your way through to the other side.

4. Find your reserve of courage to help you take tiny steps toward overcoming your fear. You may find that you have exactly enough strength to reach your goal.

5. Feeling fear is a signal that there is something for you to learn. Take the time to learn the life lesson and move forward.

6. Stay in the present moment, living one day at a time. Worry focuses on the future. When you live in the present moment, you will be taking positive steps towards conquering your fears.

7. Respond with love, care and respect for yourself. When we experience fear, confusion, and anger we are continuing old habits that are no longer working. Let go and learn new ways to respond that are more effective to others as well as yourself.

8. Surrendering and letting go gives you the tools to face anything. Rather than hide your feelings, express how you are feeling and let go of your fear to communicate.

9. Maintain your inner stillness even when you feel scared or doubtful. Letting go of the constant mental chatter will lead you to sanity and serenity.

10. Face your fear of change. Accept that change is inevitable and learn to be more comfortable with it. Listen to your inner voice that will guide you through the different stages, phases, growth and recovery.

11. Manage your life through your strength and courage, not through your fear. Don’t let fear become a power greater than yourself. Your anxieties and worries do not have to run your life.

12. Fear is not a sign that you are a coward or weak. It is a signal that some action is needed on your part. Let go of reacting to fear by withdrawing, hiding, procrastinating, running away or putting yourself down. Make a decision, take action and then surrender to your greater power.

“Be still and know that I am with you.”  ~ English prayer

Don’t forget, Tess Marshall from The Bold Life has an amazing ecourse, Take Your Fear and Shove It.

What ways have you found to conquer your fear? How have you lived a strong and courageous life? Leave your thoughts in comments.

take care, 

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