“You are always only one choice away from changing your life.”  By Marcy Blochowiak

Are you looking for peace of mind?

Does serenity feel like an illusion?

When there is a family member who is dependent on drugs or alcohol, you yearn for the pre-addiction life.

The thing is, how do you get your life back?

You may be riddled with guilt about wanting a serene life while your addict’s life is falling apart. You may feel the addicted person must get clean before you can find recovery for yourself.

Living a life of anxiety and stress can harm your health.

You don’t need to wait for anyone to find recovery.

Your recovery cannot only help you, but has the potential to inspire the recovery of the addicted person. You may not be able to cure the addicted person, but you can be the example of how to live.

Here are five things a struggling family can do to find their way through the chaos of addiction.

Get Support  

Seek professionals, other family members, friends or a support group that you trust to help you and your family. This does require that you admit the problem exists. This is a huge step for many.

Addiction often causes pain throughout the family.  The effects of addiction can be long lasting without emotional support.

If you have been minimizing the problem and living in denial, you open the door to change when you seek support. Find someone one is willing to listen openly without judgement and will not give unsolicited advice.

When I started the addiction journey, I sought help from friends who were experienced in addiction, attended Al-Anon Family Group meetings and sought a counselor for myself who was certificated in addiction. These choices made a difference in my life.

A favorite book that I turn to as well for support is “Courage to Change.” It can be found on the Resource Page.

Reach out for help so that your family doesn’t have to handle addiction alone. It can cause undo stress, feelings of isolation, despair and can damage your health. There are many people who can provide resources online as well as in person.

Find those people and get the resources that you need.

Once you feel supported, you can become an example of strength for others.

Detach With Love  

When I first heard about detaching from my daughter’s issues, if felt unnatural to me. I had always felt my role was to help and support my daughter in any way that I could.

I worried what would become of my daughter if I detached from her issues?

I soon realized after listening to others that I was confused about what detachment really meant. I did not have to abandon my daughter and be cold-hearted.

Detachment meant to understand the boundary between myself and my daughter. To let her take responsibility for her life.

When you immerse yourself in your child’s or other family members’ issues, you begin to lose yourself in their problems. You experience every crisis as if it were your own. You suffer as much or often more, than they do.

You can detach, you can listen, and acknowledge their problem, but you can also allow others to handle their own issues themselves. You can offer support, but you don’t need to rush in and fix everything. Letting others solve their own problems, gives them back their strength to manage their own life.

I remember one mother mentioned that when speaking to her child, she would nod her head or simply say “uh-huh,” acknowledging, but not solving her child’s problem, instead of jumping in and giving motherly advice.

It  doesn’t mean you don’t care when you don’t engage in other people’s lives. You are respecting the other person to make the best choices for themselves.

We have only one journey through life, and that is our own.

Let Go

Let Go of Control…  

The more we try to control addiction, the more stress we feel. Families may be consumed with their sense of power, and feel they are the only one who can fix the situation.

Many want to escape the pain of addiction. If they fix the problem, the pain will go away.

When we control we are trying to change another person’s thinking. A way to check is to notice how many times you say the same thing. If you are making similar suggestions repeatedly, you are probably trying to control.

Say it once and then let it go.

Let Go of Judgements… 

You can feel anxious when your loved is not recovering as quickly as you would like. You may feel this is because they have a “bad attitude” or because they are not focused on their recovery. Perhaps they have relapsed.

Judgement stems from anxiety. When family members are in treatment or are working on their recovery, we often wait for them to complete their program and be “fixed.”

Accept that your loved one is just another person trying to deal with their life situation as best they can at that moment in time. When you accept another for who they are, rather than who you want them to be, you begin to get our life back.

Let Go of Expectations…

When we set up expectations for an outcome and they don’t turn out the way we thought, there is nothing left, but to be disappointed.

Like many mothers, I had expectations for my daughter before she was in recovery. I had expected her to get an education, and create a meaningful life for herself.

Of course one thing I didn’t expect was that she would take the path of drug abuse.

Today, she is doing well and has created her life, yet she took a different route than I expected to get there.

When something traumatic happens, it changes your perspective. At some point, I knew I needed to let go of my expectations for her life. Like many things, letting go is an ongoing process.

You can appreciate what is happening at this moment, and not concern yourself with the future when you let go of expectations.

Set Boundaries 

Your boundaries will never be tested more than from a drug or alcohol abuser.  You are concerned for their welfare and know that they are suffering. You accept behaviors that most people wouldn’t tolerate.

You may feel that standing up for yourself will only make the situation worse, or that the addicted person is not responsible for their behavior.

What happens is that addicts feel that they have no limits. Each time you allow them to cross a boundary, they will feel entitled to cross it again.

You may begin to feel that we have nothing that you can call our own. You may feel you’ve given up your home, your mind and your soul.

We drew the line with our daughter when she was in the midst of her addiction, and had no rent money for that month.  We were exhausted with the situation, and knew she needed to be responsible for her own actions. People abusing drugs and alcohol do what works and manipulate others in whatever way they can.

When you decide what you can and cannot live with and express your decisions, you can start the process of getting your life back. Do whatever you feel is necessary to ensure your safety and maintain your self-respect.

Pay Attention to Yourself

While it is stressful to have an addicted person in the family, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy our own life. We can find a life that will bring us joy.

Discover what you love, feel and believe in. Find what interests you. Try new activities, meet new people, or take up a new hobby. Reconnect with things that you have loved in the past.

You may feel that you have a void in your life when you let go of focusing on the addict. Now it is your turn to pay attention to yourself. Fill that void with things that you love.

Our life is a gift, which is precious and valuable. Take back your life, live life to the fullest and appreciate every moment.

What has helped your family find recovery. Be sure to let us know in comments.

Have you given any thought to meditation to help in your recovery? Meditation has been a useful tool for me. Click here to learn more.

take care,