TreatmentTalk – Divorce

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” George Santayana

The Love They Lost, Living with the Legacy of Our Parent’s Divorce, By Stephanie Staal, is a book about the lingering effects of parental divorce. This book makes a nice additional read to Judith Wallerstein’s 25 year study of divorce. Stephanie interviews over one hundred adult children of divorce now in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. Each chapter covers different aspects of a divorce’s effect on children, as the author weaves the personal experiences of her interviewees throughout the book, as well as her own experiences. I would think that for many children of a divorce, it is reassuring to realize that they are not alone, and to better understand where some of their concerns are rooted, as they enter adult relationships. As a parent, feelings of guilt for the pain their divorce many have caused their children, may make the book difficult to read at times, but for a child of divorce, I would imagine the book gives voice to many of their feelings.

For many children of divorce, what they miss most is the feeling of a complete family. Life, as a family, will never be the same. I think for many of us parents, we miss that as well. We may not fully realize what we have lost out on until the drama of the divorce is past, and our children have become adults, and begin lives of their own.

“After wading through books and numerous studies on divorce, this is what I realized, the one true thing: Those of us who have lived through divorce can’t possibly squeeze the light and shadow of our lives into a model, or a graph, or a chart. We long for stories, not theory. We crave a forum to share our experiences, not open them up for judgement. Stories – yours and mine – are what guide us, forming what author, Jill Ker Conway calls our “inner life plots,” and it is only through stories that many of us gain true insight into our own lives. We may be struggling in our intimate relationships, but when we hear of others’ struggles we realize that we are not alone.”

Staal describes why many adult children of divorce usually show three different types of behavior in their romantic relationships: “the nester,” “the wary investor” and the “commitment-phobe.” Finally she does leave the reader with a feeling of hope, which is much appreciated.

“As a child I learned hard and fast that everything can fall apart; but as an adult I am slowly learning that everything can come together.”

I would definitely recommend this book first and foremost as one that covers all aspects of being a child of divorce, and is a wonderful resource to creating your own life with hope and confidence.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
– Andy Warhol

I’m going in a slightly new direction for this blog. I recently read a book about divorce and how it affects children. Since I am not from a divorced family, but I have been divorced myself, I was curious to read about the effect my divorce has had on my children. From what I’ve read, the pain of divorce doesn’t end with childhood, but reaches a peak when children of divorce begin relationships of their own in the twenties and thirties. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, by Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, Sandra Blakeslee, is a book which describes the effects of divorce on children for 25 years. It, at times is an uncomfortable book to read, especially for parents, and I have to say, one that makes you realize exactly what you have put your children through when you decide to divorce. The book is one that children of divorce could find helpful in their effort to get closure.

This book focuses on seven examples from 131 children whose parents divorced in Marin County, California around 1971, and a comparison sample of 44 similar adults now from the same community whose parents did not divorce. Children of divorce, especially will understand that their feelings and behaviors are not unique, but instead are normal. And most important, that they are not alone. As most people can guess, alcohol and drug abuse comes into play with divorced families, as so often the juggling act of single parenthood leaves many children not receiving the attention and otherwise stability that they normally would receive in a well functioning two parent family.

I don’t believe divorce causes alcohol or drug abuse, as we all know there are many alcoholics from two parent families. But it is curious as to the role that divorce does play in a child’s tendency to use alcohol and drugs. As many single parents know, you try very hard to make it all work. But with working full time, financial issues, the possible difficulties of working with your ex husband or wife to raise your children, not to mention the pain of it all, children can easily fall through the cracks, with their needs not being fully met.

According to the authors, ”One in four of the children in this study started using drugs and alcohol before their fourteenth birthdays. By the time they were seventeen years old, over half of the teenagers were drinking or taking drugs. The number compares with almost 40 percent of all teenagers nationwide. Of those who used drugs, four in five admitted that their schoolwork suffered badly as a result. A majority used these substances for more than five years and several were seriously addicted by the time they reached their twenties.”

What really struck me from the book, was that the pain of divorce does not go away with time but rather comes to a peak when starting adult life and new relationships. After reading the book, I was left with unexpected feelings of sadness and concern for my children. For people whose divorces occurred decades ago, we can only hope that our children do not repeat our mistakes. Waiting until you are emotionally ready to get married is certainly something that can help, and something that many of us in the 70′s did not do. Many of us married in our early 20′s, when we clearly were not emotionally ready. After reading the book, it seems that children of divorce may want to take a little more time before committing to marriage, and give themselves time to work through the pain of their parent’s divorce as they venture into their own relationships.

“From the viewpoint of the children, and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time and rises to a crescendo in adulthood. At each new developmental state, divorce is experienced anew in different ways. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust, expectations about relationships, and ability to cope with change.’”

I would recommend this book to anyone who has been divorced with children, who comes from a divorced family, or anyone who is considering a divorce. None of it is pretty, nor does it necessarily feel good as the parent to read it, but it is interesting and very informative. I would think the book would be comforting to children of divorce. I know many children handle divorce very well, and have minimal problems. It’s when your child is struggling, that this book helps you realize where some of their issues may be coming from. This book has peaked my interest in the topic, and there are several other good books that I would like to explore, and get additional perspectives. So would love to hear your thoughts. How has divorce affected your life, or your children’s lives?On a lighter note, I’m including a few pictures from my recent trip to Vail, CO.