TreatmentTalk – Al-Anon

(This is a Guest Post by Graham Phoenix of ‘Male eXperience’.)

The phone rings… my heart drops… will it be ok this time? Will things be better?

I have never known how to be with the alcoholic in my life! I have never been able to make it better! I only seem to make it worse!

Even though she is no longer in my life, she is still a presence that won’t completely leave me. No matter how much I think our lives are separated, the looming presence of the alcohol always finds its way back to me.

A long time ago when I first went to Al-Anon (twelve step group for friends and family of alcoholics) I wanted to find out how to make it better, how to help the alcoholic get cured, how to restore normal life. I learnt, like everyone else, that there was nothing I could do. No matter what I tried, I was powerless to change the alcoholic or even help her.

I got used to this idea, no matter how much it hurt me. My obsession was control and the idea that life could be just as I wanted it to be. When a control addict meets an alcohol addict… there are fireworks, conflict, anger and hurt.

So I changed my life, separated myself from her, let her live her own life, re-built my own.

It worked for me, life got better… amazingly. But for her… the alcohol is still there… the obsessions are still there…

We wanted to be friends, but alcohol intervenes… friendship is impossible.

So I am left with the guilt! What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why doesn’t it get better for her?

Again the phone rings, this time I switch it off. I remember there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can change!

I so love to be in control of my life, even while I know the Universe laughs at my arrogance. I need to flow with life, learn to be the man I am, learn to let it be.

I remember now… I am not in control…

But I can choose what I do, I can choose how I react, I can choose who I speak to, I can choose…

I choose to live my life and be strong in my belief in myself. I choose not to be hurt and dragged back into an abusive relationship.

I choose life.

(Graham Phoenix is divorced from his alcoholic wife of 35 years. He also has an alcoholic brother who has been in recovery for over 10 years. He writes on Men, Life and Relationships at ‘Male eXperience’.)

What are your thoughts about having no control over alcoholism?

The DO’s

“That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” Chinese proverb

When you realize a family member or friend needs help with an addiction, many of us go into crisis mode. But the question is how to get help, who should we talk to, and basically what should we do?

That is where Al-Anon’s sayings, slogans, and short pieces of advice can be very helpful. When I first joined Al-Anon, I wasn’t sure what this part of Al-Anon was all about, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of it. I see now that these slogans and sayings can be a guide. One example is the Do’s.

DO FORGIVE

The anger for me came when I was so unclear and frustrated about how addiction was taking hold on our family. Once I realized what the problem was, I was devastated, scared, and overwhelmed. As time went on, I was better equipped to cope with the situation. Learning that addiction is a disease leads you towards forgiveness.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

It’s so easy to tell yourself what you want to hear – I believe that could be called denial. I know I’ve been there. The signs were clear – at times headlights blinding me – yet I could not see them, or rather chose not to. Honesty has also come with realizing I had a role to play in our families’ addiction. I did not cause it, but there are things I now know I would have done differently. [Read more...]

“Alcoholism‚ I have no Control”

The DO’s

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