I started my journey through Al-Anon like most parents of addicts do.

You may have been told as well by the treatment counselor that you should try attending a meeting.

You will be supporting your child and after all this is a family disease, and we all play a role in the situation.

I shared what was happening in my life with a friend whose daughter had also been to rehab and she offered to take me to my first meeting.  The meeting was on a Thursday morning, and it was in a church room located in a town just north of me.

It was a large meeting, most of the people there were suburban women with a sprinkling of men.  They had child care, which I didn’t need and a newcomers meeting to explain what Al-Anon was all about, but I didn’t attend that either.

Sitting there for the first time, it was comforting to have my friend beside me and I thought that was so generous of her to offer to take me. I did pause, look around and wonder how did I end up here. I resented that I had to go through this. This was not my chosen path to end up at an Al-Anon meeting.

The church room was stark, the folding chairs old and hard to sit on for an hour and a half. The people all seemed sincere and heartfelt as they shared their stories and pain. I introduced myself when they asked if there were any newcomers in the room and didn’t say another word the rest of the meeting.

That meeting worked for me for a few months. I began to realize the point of Al-Anon. If nothing else, it was ninety minutes of just being still and accepting what had happened in my life as well as listening to others share their experiences.

The slogans I thought were a bit strange, and the ending where you hold hands and chant, “Keep coming back. It works if you work it…” seemed a bit much.

Then someone suggested I attend a Parent’s Meeting that was held in the city a bit further down the road. It was on a Monday night, with quite a large gathering. This group was a bit mixed, more men attended and quite a few people that seemed a bit older than me.

I felt uncomfortable in this meeting, possibly because I didn’t like looking at these people and realizing that I was one of them. I didn’t want to be one of them. My friends were all home with their families having fun, watching TV or just enjoying life and here I was in Al-Anon.

The tipping point came when a women shared how after years of addiction, her 45 year old son has just been released from prison, but she wasn’t sure what his life was going to look like going forward. I may have felt down about my own situation before I came, but I left that meeting feeling depressed.

Was this what I had to look forward to? Years of ongoing trauma with my child relapsing and having to stand by and watch their life continue to fall apart.

So I stopped going. I felt I had gotten the point of the program. I had bought a few of the Al-Anon books. My daughter was doing well in recovery. I was done now and could get back to my real life.

Then I noticed something about myself. I was still a bit restless. I had “great” advice to offer my children whether they asked for it or not. I spent too much time worrying about them and the direction their lives were taking.  I wanted to feel in control of my life and the lives around me. I was on edge.

One day, I decided to try another Al-Anon meeting, ironically at my daughter’s suggestion. This was a small meeting held on Monday afternoon in the church in my town.  The first time I went, there was a mom there whose son was in rehab and he had attended the same college as my daughter. We chatted after the meeting.

I enjoyed this meeting for many months. I worked through my fear and started sharing. I even wrote up my story and spoke at one of the meetings. I felt comfortable seeing some of the same faces every week. It was working for me.

One day I was talking to a women I had gotten to know after a meeting. She also was the mom of a child who had become addicted. She suggested I try a Parent Meeting this time it was in the town just south of where I live. It was on a Sunday afternoon in a room at the local hospital.

I thought I would try it.  It was one of those moments where I knew instantly, if I’m going to Al-Anon, this is my meeting. There were about 20 to 25 people there. All parents of course, and several couples who came together.

The group seemed to know each other and were on friendly terms. There were some faces from the Thursday morning meeting and the women who told me to come was there as well.

I don’t know exactly what it was about this group of people, but I could relate to them in a way that I could not at any other meeting. For me the Parent Meeting was a good fit, since I had not had addiction issues with any family member growing up.

As the years have gone by I’ve sat in the speaker chair a couple of times and given back by doing a stint of bringing the literature each week and another stint of chairing the meeting.

What I realized after these service duties, is that I feel so much more connected to the group. Giving back helps the group, but it helps me as well.

I’ve gotten to be friends with a number of the other people that attend. A group go to dinner after the meeting and I’ve joined them a few times. My husband and I have had lunches and dinners with two of the couples, and I consider them friends.

We don’t spend every minute talking about addiction or our kids. We laugh, discuss our next travel plans, and any number of other things that are happening in our lives.  When someone’s child relapses which has happened, we can talk about it openly, knowing that we all share common ground and no explanation is necessary.

I’m not done in my journey through Al-Anon. I have not, after several years of attending, found a sponsor and seriously worked the steps. I know I will when I’m ready, but I can be ready on my own time. For me it is not about the steps, or slogans. It’s about having a group of people that will always be there when I need them.

For now Al-Anon gives me support when I need it and the opportunity to let other parents know when they come into the meeting for the first time with their grief stricken faces, that there is always hope for their children and they are not alone.

On occasion, I’ve gone back to that Monday Night Parents Meeting. Many of the parents are younger than I am, and I can completely relate and understand how they feel, because I know now that I am one of them.

Have you tried Al-Anon or another support group? Share your feelings about the experience in comments.

take care,