“I know I felt miserable, but I didn’t understand why my life wasn’t working” ~ Melody Beattie
Another person’s life has affected you.
You obsess and you are worried sick, over what they will or won’t do next.
You fear for this person’s future. You have expectations and they have let you down. Does this sounds like you?
In the past codependency referred to couples, but recently parents have found themselves codependent when their children are participating in the ever widening drug or alcohol abuse problem among teens and young adults.
What does codependent mean?
Melody Beattie’s definition is “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
When your life becomes unmanageable because of your child or your family member’s alcoholism or addiction, you may become codependent. The other person is out of control, and you take on the role of being the one in control, the person who has earned respect.
You may think of yourself as strong enough to deal with the crisis, since you are the better or smarter person.
Control can be at the bottom of codependency. When we are holding onto our kids or other family member so tight to try to prevent further damage, neither one has a free hand to reach out for help, or the ability to let go and solve our own individual issues.
Letting go of codependency is especially difficult for moms. It goes against the grain of our parental role. Mothers feel that at whatever cost, our children come first. We were taught to nurture, give, and sacrifice for our children. Learning that our efforts are not helpful is excruciating.
I believed for many years that it was my job to fix my child’s problem. Even though my children were over 18, it was still my job to ease their pain and make their lives better.
When my children were abusing substances, I tried everything I could think of to fix the problem and make it go away. I gave money, offered a car, paid rent for apartments, gave money for additional schooling that was never completed in the hopes that this would solve the problem. I have paid for psychiatrists, therapists, interventionists, and treatment.
Some of this money was well spent. Treatment and intervention as well as therapy, when the person has admitted they have a substance abuse or addiction issue and is ready for help, can save, as well as change someone’s life.
What isn’t helpful is to continue to spend your emotional time and money on someone who is not interested in solving their problem. For many parents this is a painful realization that takes time and sometimes a drain of resources for them to realize that their efforts are not working.
When we continue to enable our children and not let them feel the consequences of their life choices, we may only be prolonging their pain.
You become frustrated and bitter when you discover that your actions will not solve someone else’s problem. You control because everything around you is out of control. Yet, you cannot control someone else’s addiction, or their life for that matter.
When a person either hits bottom, which can vary widely from person to person, or they come to the realization that their life isn’t working, change for the better may begin to happen.
Al-Anon has a brochure depicting a circus with the addicted person being the ring master directing all the other family members. Anyone who has been in this situation knows the feeling all too well.
When we are the codependent we are not the ones making a mess of our lives and expecting everyone else to clean it up. We have things in order, we are responsible. Then why do we feel like our life wasn’t working? Each of us must decide what part we play in our role as the victim.
We can control ourselves, but we cannot solve other people’s problems for them. When someone’s issues becomes the center of our existence, it may be time to take a moment and begin the process of learning to let go with love.
How do you know if you might be codependent?
- Do you feel fear, depression, helplessness or despair?
- Do you feel guilt, rage, bitterness and lack of energy?
- Do you spend most of your time worrying about other people?
- Do you spend most of your time trying to figure out how to control others?
- Are your relationships with other friends and family suffering?
- Do you feel miserable but not sure why your life isn’t working?
- Have you stopped living your own life?
Have You?
- Tried to help in ways that didn’t help.
- Said yes, when you mean no.
- Tried to get other people to see things your way?
- Believed lies and then felt betrayed?
- Been afraid to trust your feelings?
- Overreacted or under-reacted to the pain and behavior of others?
We can and should love ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness and respect. We can live our life and let others live their own life, even when it’s our children. We can let go and still love and support our children when appropriate.
Here are some great ideas for recovery from codependency:
- Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them.
- Detach from your family members issues and allow them to manage their own lives.
- Forgiveness allows you to move on.
- Love others, but love yourself as well.
When we detach with love we stop worrying about other people’s problems. They may just pick up the slack and start worrying about their own lives.
We will find serenity, a deep sense of peace, and learn to give and receive love in new ways. We will have the freedom to live our own lives without guilt and responsibility to others and find real solutions.
Detachment is a gift that will be given to those who seek it.
Have you had experiences with codependency? Be sure to be part of the discussion and leave a comment.
Be Well,
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- Accept and cope with your family's addiction.
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I understand this theory of codependency. But, I think this could be said about many of us that are in a relationship with a drug addict (especially as their mother). I mean, of course we’re going to feel hurt, despair, rage, anxiety, worry, fear, sad etc. Does this mean we need to be labeled “codependent”? How about just concerned parents or loved ones? Drug addicts lie and manipulate so if we ever believed them and trusted them then of course we’re going to feel betrayed when we discover their lies. I think these are very normal feelings.
I realize that when we step in to try to control the other person or their behaviors then we’ve stepped over the line. But I don’t think that if we feel those raw emotions listed above that we are automatically co-dependent. Am I totally off base?
Hi Camilla,
I understand where you are coming from. This are very true emotions for a mother of a loved one with an addiction problem, but the difference for me is when we don’t step back and recognize these feelings, and take a look at whether our behavior is helping the situation. My point was when these feelings just go on and on and on, and the problem is not being solved, we might want to look at our role in the situation. Parents would naturally feel the strong emotions especially at the early stages of learning about their child’s addiction, if the child does seek help and continues to relapse, or if the child is functioning but below their capabilities because of their ongoing drug or alcohol use. But it is important to notice if our reaction is helping or not. This post is not meant to give anyone a label or put you in a box, it is just to put out behaviors that may not be working.
I do understand your point, though and probably could have clarified that a bit better. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate hearing your thoughts.
I am learning to distance myself from the day to day worries. I allow myself to call my grandson only on Fridays and to keep the conversation focused more on me. Codependent does have a sense of self blame, but I do understand its “hold.”
Hi Estelle,
Practicing detachment is an ongoing process for me and for others in the same situation. When we have a child or grandchild in a less than desirable situation, it is only natural to want to help, and it is challenge for us all to let go. That is wonderful that you have set some boundaries and that you are taking care of yourself. Thanks for the comment.
Addiction affects all family members. The focus is on the addict and family members may feel lost and confused throughout the process, and need help in how to deal with the situation. It’s easy to enable when confronted with an addicted family member. Thanks for the post, it helps to read ideas on how to let go and deal with our own life.
Hi Lauren,
Parents do struggle throughout this process, and we want to do whatever it takes to fix the problem. There is not as much support for parents, which makes it more of a challenge, but going to a support group can help and educating yourself is another important thing to do. Thanks for your comment.
Cathy recently posted..Are You Ready to Let Go of Codependency and Take Care of Yourself?
Hi Cathy,
Being Co-dependent sounds like it could be a somewhat helpless feeling. Trying to control someone elses behavior is an impossible task that would leave me feeling drained.
I found that eventually people must choose and follow their own paths even if it is one of destruction. It’s certainly hard to sit by and watch, I understand.
Justin | Mazzastick recently posted..Have You Given Up On Your Dreams
Hi Justin,
It is hard to watch, especially for parents, but many times the best approach is to let the other person feel the consequences of their behavior, rather than try and cushion their mistakes. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Cathy,
I have family that are very co dependent. I admit I’m a novice to this stuff, so it was really good to learn something so I can better understand how they are feeling and how to communicate better with them.
I appreciate your help with this.
Bryce
Bryce Christiansen recently posted..4 Confidence Boosting Tips the All-Stars Use
Hi Bryce,
We all can go through this at some point in our life. When a crisis or problem hits and our codependency is not longer working might be a good time to take a look at how our behavior contributes to the problem. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Cathy,
I can SO relate to co-dependency but from the other person. One of the reasons my personal relationships never worked because I always seemed to attract people who were co-dependent.
One guy I dated, he finally agreed to seek counseling and that is where he learned he was co-dependent. I mean I told him but he wouldn’t listen to me, he had to hear it from a professional. One of the other ones was my marriage which again, is why it didn’t last. We sought counseling as well but most of the guys I was involved with didn’t want to admit to their problems and do something about them. My heart broke for them to an extent but after awhile, you can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves.
I actually haven’t thought about this in years. Not sure if this was a pleasant surprise to cross your post today or not. I guess I can honestly say that I’m thrilled with where my life is at the moment and so glad I’ve never personally dealt with this issue. It’s not one I would welcome.
Adrienne
Adrienne recently posted..With A Little Help From My Friends
Hi Adrienne,
We all have encountered codependency in some form or another either from our family or close friends. Many can go on and somehow manage, but as you say, when relationships are not working anymore, everyone involved should take a look at themselves no matter how painful. It’s a challenge, but when you learn to detach, it feels great! Thanks for your comment.
Hi Cathy, I have never faced this problem, I can only imagine the personal hell people go through when their loved ones (especially children) are facing substance abuse. The subject fascinates me, I have read Tweak and Methland. A complete inability to help a loved one mush be very frustrating. Intellectually, I know that tough love would be the answer, but that would be tough on me as well as on my loved one.
Thanks so much for this important post. You are helping many with your sage advice.
Carolyn@The Wonder of Tech recently posted..Steve Jobs – Tribute to a Genius
Hi Carolyn,
It is difficult and something most parents are not expecting nor prepared to deal with. But like every challenge in life, it is a lesson and we learn the best approach sooner or later. It is painful and can be a deadly disease, so prevention is the key. Thanks for your comment.
Tinkering with someone’s free will is always a bad idea I’ve found. Strange though it may seem, self-destruction is often precisely what a person needs.
Joe Bill recently posted..Seeing Reality as a Symbol: The Rise of Symbols
Hi Joe,
As I have gone along in this journey, I have discovered that people need to be in charge of their life, even when they are making poor choices. There are no guarantees that our loved ones will choose recovery, so it can be emotionally exhausting knowing what will help them, but being powerless in the situation. We have to let go, though at some point. If we can spread awareness and prevent substance abuse, many lives would be changed for the better. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Cathy,
I don’t know many mothers who don’t mess around in their adult children’s problems. I’m heading over to read your article on detachment. I need a refresher! Seriously what I think made it much easier for me was moving from MI to AZ.
I have a lot of time to focus on my own stuff;)
Tess The Bold Life recently posted..How to Create a Bold Love to Heal the World
Hi Tess,
For moms, codependency is one of the most difficult concept to come to grips with. Part of it is our nature and part is control. We’ve lived longer and have life experience which we want our children to learn from. But I’ve learned the hard way as well, to let my adult children manage their own life and learn from their mistakes. Detachment is an ongoing process and we can easily fall back into our old habits when we don’t pay attention. Thanks for your comment.
Cathy recently posted..Are You Ready to Let Go of Codependency and Take Care of Yourself?
Hi Cathy,
Great article! I found that there are many levels to codependency. Just when I thought I let go of it, a subtler form would present and I would deal with that. It’s a ongoing process, however I feel I’ve made huge strides also, which helps all.
Thanks for sharing.
Marianne recently posted..A day in a life with rheumatoid Arthritis – Part 4
Hi Marianne,
I am right there with you! It is an ongoing process for me as well. I feel as if I often take a few steps forward and then slip back on occasion. Being aware of our actions and that it is much better for all to let everyone be responsible for their own life is the key. Thanks for your comment.
Cathy recently posted..Are You Ready to Let Go of Codependency and Take Care of Yourself?
Hi Cathy,
When we let go of attachment and depond and take care of ourselves, we begin to experience inner peace and serenity. No one should control us and we shouldn’t control others. We can affect others, but we can’t change others as change comes from within always. Thanks for sharing
Dia recently posted..How do I move on from a relationship
Hi Dia,
How true! Inner peace and serenity are what we are all striving for and when we let go, we can begin to move in that direction. When you in the parent role you in the habit of giving your opinion and direction. As our kids become adults, unless they have a disability, we can let go with love, because we have done our job and our children should take responsibility for their own lives. Thanks for your comment.
Great article! Many can go on and somehow manage, but as you say, when relationships are not working anymore, everyone involved should take a look at themselves no matter how painful. The subject fascinates me, I have read Tweak and Methland.
Angelique Sykes recently posted..Cancer Tips
Hi Angelieque,
It’s difficult to let go of someone, but sometimes that is the most loving thing to do. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and can’t monitor someone else’s life. Tweak was an interesting story. I haven’t read Methland, but will check it out. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
I think these are very normal feelings. When a crisis or problem hits and our codependency is not longer working might be a good time to take a look at how our behavior contributes to the problem.
Mavis Hodge recently posted..Cancer Tips
Hi Mavis,
Well said. We can actually make matters worse, maybe even worse than the addiction when we enable and refuse to let the other person be responsible for their actions.Thanks so much for your comment.
I think these are very normal feelings. Drug addicts lie and manipulate so if we ever believed them and trusted them then of course we’re going to feel betrayed when we discover their lies. Strange though it may seem, self-destruction is often precisely what a person needs.
Rosie Pugh recently posted..Many Cures
Hi Rosie,
It is so easy to get pulled into the manipulation of the addict. For so many parents it’s hard to know the fine line between enabling and letting go. Each family’s situation is different, though so we all need to make our own decisions. Suffering the consequences of their actions, may encourage a person to seek recovery.
Tinkering with someone’s free will is always a bad idea I’ve found. But I don’t think that if we feel those raw emotions listed above that we are automatically co-dependent. No one should control us and we shouldn’t control others. I appreciate your help with this.
Denise Greer recently posted..Many Mops
Hi Denise,
Controlling others is a habit that starts and can be hard to stop. Often parents can fall into that trap because they think they know best for their children. Sometimes they do and other times they do not. All of those characteristics don’t necessarily mean you are co-dependent, but food for thought. I fell into wanting to fix my kid’s lives and I’m still a work in progress, but much improved. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.