You can’t control what someone else does, but you can control how you react to the person and the situation. ~ Tess Marshall
The definition of detachment is “the state of being objective or aloof.”
For me, and maybe for you too detachment means holding back from the need to rescue my children.
That may mean giving them space to live their own lives, and realizing that we cannot control or change them.
When we detach with love, we treat ourselves to emotional distance.
Previously, we may have given our children power over our emotions, and at times that may have affected my outlook on life. Feeling the guilt and responsibility for the success or failure of my child’s life has led me down a path of feeling emotionally addicted to their situation.
With time and constant practice, I feel a strong emotional bond, care and concern for them, but I have let go of feeling responsible for their lives.
This change in attitude allows them to be who they are, and frees me to accept their choices, rather than hold on to any former expectations.
Clearly when your children are under 18, it feels more difficult to detach. We as parents, feel the complete responsibility for our children’s well being. If they are having ongoing difficulties in life, it can become exhausting. We suffer through and resent the ongoing havoc that feels like a constant in our lives.
As our children grow older, no matter if their problems are solved or not, it becomes easier to slowly detach with love, letting go a
little at a time.
What I Have Learned About Detachment is This:
1. Over involvement and controlling cheats my children of an opportunity to grow.
2. I’m not responsible for my children’s actions.
3. Detaching from others, and getting to know myself go hand in hand.
4. Detachment doesn’t mean that I stop caring.
5. I don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior.
6. Detachment means letting go of resentment and bitterness.
7. My children do not control my emotions or serenity.
8. I don’t need to react to every situation that presents itself.
9. I don’t need to convince anyone to my way of thinking.
Detaching with love is one of my favorite concepts of recovery. I feel happier, hopeful for the future, and that a weight has been lifted. I really only have to take care of me, and live my own life.
Is Detachment Just a Control Issue?
- When we are not able to detach emotionally, then we are either under the control of someone else, or they are under our control.
- It requires self control to keep an emotional distance, and the inability to do so is a sign that we may be “out of control.”
- We may feel intimidated and fearful that unless we stay emotionally attached with our children, great harm may come to ourselves or to them.
- It is so easy to believe that our children have so many problems, they cannot get along without us.
- We may become so manipulated by our children’s con. We feel because of their helplessness, dependency or inability to make good choices, that we cannot leave our qualifier to solve their own problems.
- Sometimes what we call love, is really just about control.
Learning to detach with love is another silver lining in my world of recovery. It has allowed me to live a life of freedom. Of course, there are those times that worry, resentment and anger creep in, but with constant practice I can keep those feelings at bay.
“Detachment motivated by love can shield us from needless pain and set the stage for a truly rewarding relationship.” One Day at a Time
When You Detach With Love:
- You can decide that you are not going to miss out on loving family members because they aren’t living the way you want them to.
- You have emotional distance and see everyone as a separate individual.
- You do not need to cover up for anyone.
- You no longer need to keep up a brave front.
- You do not need to feel ashamed. You can feel proud of every accomplishment, big or small.
- You do not need to apologize for situations that are out of your control.
- You can appreciate the uncomplicated life, living simply which will restore your sense of balance.
- You can accept the past.
- You can live in the present
- You can have hope for the future.
“If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness.” Hasidic saying
Beyond Addiction:
Embrace the New Life
This FREE Ebook will show you how to create the LIFE you want after addiction.
- Accept and cope with your family's addiction.
- Create your own life rather than react to events around you
- Don't feel so alone on your addiction journey.
- Experience new meaning for your life.
- Find peace, serenity and joy
For more info on detachment, read “Detachment. How Can I?”
This is especially difficult for “Moms” and particularly during the Holiday Season.
Detachment is always difficult, but I agree the holidays are an especially tough time. Thanks for your comment.
Detachment has always been a struggle for me. When my son is doing well, I can let go. It’s when we don’t hear from him for periods of time that my fear starts to take over. Thanks for the information.
It is never easy, and especially during this time of the year. Al-Anon is a resource that has helped me, if you have not already checked into it. My best to you.
Wonderful post! There might not be any difference but I have learned to prefer non-attachment to detachment. While detachment is distancing your emotions to your loved ones, non-attachment is embracing the experience but not letting it totally affect you. Yeah! I was having trouble with the concept before myself, but realizing that started my alcoholism and addiction cure.
You have a good point. Non-attachment may be the way to go. I feel not letting the experience affect you and allowing yourself to be happy no matter what others are doing is important. So happy for you. Thanks for your comment. Cathy
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
Thanks for your comment
Thanks for the great post. Page Bookmarked
Thanks for some quality points there. I am kind of new to online , so I printed this off to put in my file, any better way to go about keeping track of it then printing?
Thanks for visiting Treatment Talk, and glad you enjoyed the post. Saving the post in a file on your computer would work well too.
Thanks for the great post. Bookmarked
I found detaching this holiday season was easier when I didn’t focus on or have expectations for our “usual” family traditions. We even started new ones. Love the website, Cathy
Hi Betsy, I’m so glad the holidays worked out for you. Starting new traditions is so helpful on the journey towards healing. Not having expectations is something I continue to work on as well. Thanks for your comment.
Our grandson, who lived with us his senior year, and in town three more years, has moved to Colo. near his dad, our son. His parents divorced when he was two and he has a distant relationship with his mother. Although I tried not to be the “mother figure” during his troubles (drugs, alcohol, rehab) I find that now that he has moved (and a second rehab) I am anxious always to know what is happening with him. I am trying to wean myself from texting, email but find it increases my anxiety. He has already relapsed and lost his new job. How do I deal with this from 400 miles away?
Hi LInda,
This is indeed a challenge for all family members, but especially moms and grandmothers, so first off, remember you are not alone. I have been learning through reading and Al-Anon support group for families, that we do need to let go of other people’s struggles, even if they are close to us. If you can contact your son to find out how he is doing occasionally, that might help you. We cannot control addiction, and your grandson will need to find his own path and hopefully his way to recovery. I would suggest if you can find an Al-Anon group or another type of support group in your area, begin to attend meetings. This has probably helped me the most. Another thing that helps my anxiety is to write in a journal. It helps to write out our fears and concerns and can help to ease the stress. My best to you and your family.
I did talk to my son last night and you are right, the conversation calmed my worst fears. I will try to keep in better communication with him. He’s trying hard to do what he thinks is best. I did attend a support group earlier but found it extremely depressing. Unfortunately, the other one in town is at my church and I don’t feel comfortable going there. I will, however, use this time to study and read. I also attended a support group when I had cancer and had the same negative reaction. It seems I’m better at research and study than public support groups. That’s why I thank you so much for your help.
Hi Linda,
Support groups do not work for everyone, so that is great that you have found what helps you. The addicted person will seek recovery when they realize the consequences of their habits are no longer tolerable. Hang in there and please contact me at any time. Thanks so much for your comment.
Cathy, your message hits me right between the eyes as I struggle with detachment. You write from the perspective of a mom and although I don’t have kids, I can substitute virtually anyone into the equation. I am in a place of intense self discovery and your wisdom couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you, my friend!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Beth
Beth Wilson recently posted..A Thankful Mindful Monday
Cathy, your message hits me right between the eyes as I struggle with detachment. You write from the perspective of a mom and although I don’t have kids, I can substitute virtually anyone into the equation. I am in a place of intense self discovery and your wisdom couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you, my friend!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Beth
Beth Wilson recently posted..A Thankful Mindful Monday
I always get emotionally attached to the people I love, but mainly to the people who show they care. It is beautiful, but at the same time a scary feeling. To feel so attached, you get completely lost when the person isn’t available. I am learning to change, but it is hard
Nikky44 recently posted..A Cry for Help
Hi Nikk44,
There is great value in feeling complete with or without someone else. It’s like the partner is the icing on the cake. It is something you work at everyday. There is a fine line and sometimes we get so close to another person, it is difficult to know where the line between ourselves and someone else begins and ends. It is great that you are aware of this. That is the first step towards feelings more whole. Thanks for stopping by.