(This is a Guest Post by Graham Phoenix of ‘Male eXperience’.)
The phone rings… my heart drops… will it be ok this time? Will things be better?
I have never known how to be with the alcoholic in my life! I have never been able to make it better! I only seem to make it worse!
Even though she is no longer in my life, she is still a presence that won’t completely leave me. No matter how much I think our lives are separated, the looming presence of the alcohol always finds its way back to me.
A long time ago when I first went to Al-Anon (twelve step group for friends and family of alcoholics) I wanted to find out how to make it better, how to help the alcoholic get cured, how to restore normal life. I learnt, like everyone else, that there was nothing I could do. No matter what I tried, I was powerless to change the alcoholic or even help her.
I got used to this idea, no matter how much it hurt me. My obsession was control and the idea that life could be just as I wanted it to be. When a control addict meets an alcohol addict… there are fireworks, conflict, anger and hurt.
So I changed my life, separated myself from her, let her live her own life, re-built my own.
It worked for me, life got better… amazingly. But for her… the alcohol is still there… the obsessions are still there…
We wanted to be friends, but alcohol intervenes… friendship is impossible.
So I am left with the guilt! What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Why doesn’t it get better for her?
Again the phone rings, this time I switch it off. I remember there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can change!
I so love to be in control of my life, even while I know the Universe laughs at my arrogance. I need to flow with life, learn to be the man I am, learn to let it be.
I remember now… I am not in control…
But I can choose what I do, I can choose how I react, I can choose who I speak to, I can choose…
I choose to live my life and be strong in my belief in myself. I choose not to be hurt and dragged back into an abusive relationship.
I choose life.
Beyond Addiction:
Embrace the New Life
This FREE Ebook will show you how to create the LIFE you want after addiction.
- Accept and cope with your family's addiction.
- Create your own life rather than react to events around you
- Don't feel so alone on your addiction journey.
- Experience new meaning for your life.
- Find peace, serenity and joy
You are so right on. We no control over alcoholism or the alcoholic.
Hi Liz,
It takes some of us new to this, that what we do has very little impact on the outcome of the alcoholic. It can be a very frustrating feeling and takes work on the part of family and friends to realize that they cannot cure the disease. Thanks for your comment.
It took a long time for me to accept the frustration that there is nothing I can do. I know some members of my family still cannot accept it, they still try to help and end up enabling.
Good post.
I’m realizing first hand that an alcoholic is the only one that can make the choice to stop drinking. My friend has relapsed. It’s hard to watch, I feel compassion for her, but she wants to continue drinking and nothing I have said or done has made an impact. She knows how much I care, but as painful as it is, I have to let go and let her make her own decision about her life. I realize I may lose her to this disease that she has fought for so long.
Cindy, it’s so important to come to this realisation. Yes. you feel compassion, and it’s so hard to watch but you have found that it’s so important to detach. Whether your friend makes the decision or not is her decision. Who knows why she is in this situation but it’s her situation. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Kate.
Thank you Graham. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am watching my husband relapse after 11 years of not drinking
(that doesn’t mean sobriety)
My mistake was to think that I could help (rescue syndrome) reconnect him with a happy life.
Even though he seemed to enjoy all the gifts life was giving him and telling everybody that, it was not the case . He had a fantasy about the honeymoon time with the booze.
He is where he was 11 years ago, but I am not: and that’s the big difference.
I have a life, unplug the phone at night (bad news can wait the morning after)
He is insulting. I don’t listen because now I know who I am, and I don’t allow the effects of alcohol hurt my feelings: Huge progress for me
Courage to all of us and a prayers for the addicts.
Love,
Selma
Hi Selma,
Wonderful for you that you have made the change and understand that you cannot rescue him. He will seek recovery when and if he is ready. You can find joy in your life and know that you have done all you can to help, and now it is up to him. Thanks for you wonderful and insightful words. Love to you…
Well after 3 months of really heavy drinking my husband hit rock bottom . I think in having hands off
made it quicker than before .
Even it was very hard watching him destroy himself I deeply was conviced this time that I had no control on his illness ,tough decision though : sink or swim, later he told me he was determined to continue .
When he was taken to ER and realized how closed to fatal illness ,even death he was it was I hope a wake up call .
The only thing I did it was taking his cars keys for the safety of innocents not his .
Now he is in rehab and I am still having a healthy loving distance : it is his disease and it is going to be his recovery : I made it clear I am not going to be his nurse, babysitter or guardian just his wife
the opposite of what I was doing before with a disastrous result for our couple
Huge step for me , that’s my DETACHMENT WITH LOVE
Hope my experience would be helpful
Love,Selma