TreatmentTalk – 7 Ways to Let Go of Shame

“Shame is about my thoughts and feelings, my inner self. My shame says that who I am is not okay.” Hope for Today

Shame is such an integral part of addiction. The addict feels shame about his addiction whether they admit it or not. The family members, especially parents, feel it as well. You feel anxious once you realize that someone in your family cannot manage their life.

The addicted person may feel personally inadequate because of their childhood experiences or because of a specific event. When individuals are prone to shame when dealing with life’s problems, they may also turn to drugs or alcohol to help them cope.

“Shame must be differentiated from guilt, although both affects often work in concert with each other. Guilt is about action and behavior, while shame is about identity and self. Guilt involves a violation of an external rule or standard that can be redressed by restitution or an apology. Shame, on the other hand, slices uninvited through the ego boundary to inflict a deep wound on the self that is experienced as an “inner torment” or a sickness of the soul. Shame patrols the boundary between our public and private lives.” ~ Garrett O’Connor, M.D.- Betty Ford Institute

Whereas the addiction is physical, shame is about our inner self. The addict reinforces their feelings of shame through their behavior.

Many cover up for the addict to spare others from finding out about the addiction. We enable in our desperate efforts to help, so hopefully the problem will be alleviated quickly. We try and hide the addiction from the outside world to protect ourselves from feeling the shame and embarrassment of the problem.

Children of alcoholics may grow up feeling less than or flawed, and struggle with negative feelings about themselves for years. When our child is the addict, we may question our total worth as a parent or even as a person.

“When most people use the word shame, they usually mean to describe an experience that comes up because of outside influences — our parents’ disapproval or the opinion of society-at-large, for example. If I do poorly on a test or my business fails, I might not want anyone else to know because I’m afraid they’ll think less of me. Shame also arises when we violate our own internal values, but we’ve usually absorbed them from our families and the world around us.” ~ Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.

I remember when I realized addiction was in my life, and it felt difficult to tell my friends and family. The reactions were interesting, some offers to help, some advice, but mainly support and concern.

The support and concern felt like a relief, but there was the underlying message of, “Watch who you tell this to.” Casual acquaintances were not people that I would share this information with. You realize quickly that even though you have support, you also have a stigma, a stigma of a disease that you have or that somehow you may have had a part in causing.

The reality is that addiction can affect a large range of families, from wealthy, to the poor. Happily married parents as well as divorced parents can have a child with an addiction issue. Some children with alcoholic parents are never affected with the disease and others become addicts or alcoholics themselves.

We regret decisions we made in the past, believing that if we had made a different choice, the outcome may have been different and our addicted person would not have their struggles.

When you let go and detach, you breathe a little easier and understand that we can only educate ourselves to make good choices for today, and realize that someone’s else’s life and addiction is out of our control.

It is important to let go of shame and here are some ways to that:

• Forgive yourself, as we all make mistakes. We may feel like we have made mistakes that have harmed ourselves or others. We need to forgive ourselves. We can make amends for any harm we have done and we can change our current behavior and attitude.

• Detach with love from the addict in your life. You did not cause their problem and you cannot control or cure it. Living your life, focusing on yourself and not the addict/alcoholic allows both of you to have a better chance for a more fulfilling life. You are each responsible for your own decisions and your life choices are your own.

• Open Up and Trust Sharing our secrets of addiction may be a short term solution, but we cannot make progress toward healing when we are in isolation. Taking a risk and trusting others will bring us closer to finding the peace and serenity that we desire. We realize that we are not alone and that sharing is the key to healing our shame.

• Think of Our Mistakes as a Lesson Learned As I look back on when I felt shame, I can realize that even my most embarrassing moments have taught me a lesson in life and led me in a more positive direction. Learn from each past mistake and let it guide you in the future.

• Just Let It Go Let go of your shame. Only when you let it go, do you open up all the possibilities for a new life. You allow love of yourself and love of others to enter your being.

• Try a New Behavior and Attitude Take small steps to get over the fear of enjoying your life. Know that you are perfect just the way you are, including all of your flaws. You are only human. Live your life and let others live theirs. Look forward to each day with curiosity, humor, joy and wonder.

• See the Situation in a Different Light When you feel shame, if you share it with someone else, they may see your situation differently and that will give you a new perspective. This new perspective will help you to heal. You may even find that positive shift in your thinking.

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross