“When we are in shame, we don’t see the big picture; we don’t accurately think about our strengths and limitations. We just feel alone, exposed and deeply flawed.”
~ Brené Brown
Do you tend to feel more guilt or shame when you feel you have done something wrong?
Brené Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me talks about shame and how it affects our lives. I found her section about addiction particularly interesting.
We all feel shame at some point in our lives. As individuals we have a tendency to respond with either shame or guilt in any given situation. It makes us feel humiliated and uncomfortable because of something we did wrong. We lose our self respect. We may feel mortified and embarrassed and we may want to pull back and just be alone.
Addiction and shame go hand in hand. It is hard to understand where one starts and the other ends. Addiction leaves us feeling powerless, isolated and unworthy whether we are the addicted person or the family member. There is a strong sense of secrecy and silence about addiction. It is something that is easier to hide and just not talk about.
“We all experience shame. It is an absolutely universal emotion.” ~ Brené Brown
Children can begin to feel one emotion over the other at an early age. Family influence plays a major role in how a child views himself. Shaming or putting down someone does not change their behavior. A child who feels shame may start to act out or shut down as shame becomes part of their nature. If a child is repeatedly humiliated by someone they look up to, it can often turn into shame. For those of us still raising children, letting your child know that they are essentially a good person, but their action is not acceptable or appropriate gives a child a healthy outlook, rather than a lifetime of struggle. We should be grateful for parents that taught us to be open and receptive to how the world looks to others, for that helps us avoid feelings of shame.
When we feel guilt, we tell ourselves “I did something bad.” Guilt is about our behavior and we focus on the behavior in question. For example, if we missed work because we stayed out late drinking, we may think about the fact that we could lose our job. We would problem solve, make the correction of being more responsible and move on.
Shame is “I am bad.” When we feel shame, it is about who we are, and we tell ourselves that we are a bad person because of what we’ve done. In the same example, if we missed work because of a night of drinking, we become overwhelmed, are unable to problem solve and therefore cannot make plans to do things differently. We become stuck, disconnected and unable to move forward. We may then repeat the behavior to relieve our shame.
Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. We think of ourselves as defective. We feel flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging.
Shame is like a prison. But a prison that you deserved to be in because something is wrong with you.” ~ Brené Brown
People that are more prone to feel shame rather than guilt have a higher risk for addiction. Then, when we are addicted, we feel shame about our addiction. It is a vicious cycle, and one that is tough to change, but not impossible. As we know there are many people who have recovered from addiction and gone on to live healthy, rewarding lives.
“I consider my journey in recovery to be one of the greatest gifts of my life.” ~ Brené Brown
Three to four family members are often negatively affected by the addiction of a family member. They believe it is up to them to keep the family running smoothly, which may make matters worse. The resulting family behavior of trying to make everything better, may be as harmful as the original problem of addiction the family was trying to correct. That’s why it is important to seek outside help, such as a therapist, a recovery center or a twelve-step group, when we or a family member is in the midst of addiction.
People who tend to feel the emotion of shame can change and learn the healthier emotion guilt. Here are fours ways to become more shame resistant.
Courage: There is no more powerful relationship than the one that exists between fear and shame. Shame leads to fear and fear leads to shame. When we fear disconnection, it causes us to be afraid of many things. It takes courage to tell our addiction story, and all that we have gone through, with others. When we do, it brings us closer to letting go of our shame and reconnecting with other people.
Connection: We heal through our connections with others. Involving ourselves with others in a similar situation such as addiction, allows us to support each other and learn from other’s experiences. With connection we develop a social network and we gain power when we come across others in the same situation. We move from being disconnected to being connected to others.
Compassion: This is necessary part of feeling empathy. We are willing to hear someone else’s pain. We don’t have to be born compassionate. We can learn and be committed to the idea of being understanding and loving to others. We need to be willing to practice listening and understanding other’s painful stories. We can feel compassion for someone else’s story if we have accepted our story with all it’s flaws. Compassion is not about healing the other person, compassion is about two similar people listening to each other.
Empathy: Responding to others in a meaningful and caring way is the strongest remedy for shame. Being empathetic allows us to use our own experiences to connect with a story that someone is sharing with us, and to be able to see, hear and feel another’s situation. When we understand, share the feelings of others, or put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we connect on a much deeper level. People who are able to resist feeling shame can both give and receive empathy.
“The bottom line is that empathy is essential for building meaningful and trusting relationships which is something we all want and need.” ~ Brené Brown
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The feelings of embarrassment is what keeps addiction in the closet. So many people are unwilling to talk about it openly. This, to me is one of the biggest problems. Hopefully people can work through their shame and start again.
Hi Lauren,
You are absolutely right. I know for some it’s difficult when they have jobs and don’t want to reveal their past history. If people would speak out about addiction, more would realize what a huge problem it is and how many people it affects. I hope as more awareness grows, this will be the case. It is such a difficult disease, my heart goes out to those dealing with addiction. There is hope, and I agree that as people work through their shame and become aware of the part that shame plays in addiction, it will help in prevention. Thanks for visiting and your comment.
I don’t know just how much more drug addiction can ruin my life! I am struggling daily with the stress, shame and guilt of loving the addicts in my world. Happy to have found your page
Hi Laura, My thoughts to you are to take good care of yourself. Things like meditation, daily walking, yoga, and writing in a journal were the start of what has helped me. Finding things in your life that can help you are very important. One of the most important things for me was attending Al-Anon meetings. Sharing with people who had walked in my shoes was immensely helpful. Letting go is a daily challenge, but well worth the effort. My hope is that something here will help you. My best to you.
Cathy – this is a marvelous post. Putting this kind of information out there to help others who may be worried about a loved one’s drinking or drug use or afraid to talk about it is so important because it is the shame that keeps us all so stuck. Thank you so much.
I agree. Feelings of unworthiness, shame, low self esteem all contribute to keeping addiction hidden. We are the invisible group. Until that changes, we are going to be stuck not only with the addiction, but also in spreading awareness of this disease. Thanks for your comment, Lisa.
Great topic, Cathy. Knowing, as Brene Brown states, “We all experience shame,” is consoling and helpful along with your 4 ways to be more shame resistant. I agree with Lisa, this is great work you are doing. Addiction has touched my life significantly over the years, but it’s been a fabulous opportunity for personal growth.
Hi Marianne, I found Brené Brown’s work to be extremely insightful in helping to understand the role shame plays in addiction. I had never really read anything discussing shame like her book does. Addiction changes us all, and I feel when we strive for recovery, it is for the better. It gives us the opportunity to stop and really take stock of what is happening in our life. Thanks for your comment.
I liked the simple description of the demarcation between guilt and shame; that’s as clear as I’ve heard it put. Shame really acts like a strait-jacket to recovery, but has a tendency to melt away in the spotlight of compassion towards self.
Great post!
Well said. Shame does act like a strait-jacket and keeps you in the vicious cycle of shame and addiction. It is wonderful when we are taught compassion towards self at an early age, but it can be learned later in life as well. It just takes practice. Thanks for your comment.