“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi
“When you forgive, you essentially undo the ability to blame.” When you stop blaming yourself, you start to like yourself and you’re much more fun to be around. You get your power back over your life. That is the power of forgiveness”. ~ Eldon Taylor
Your child or family member may have put you through the heartache of their addiction, and it may feel difficult to forgive them. We live in anguish wondering how far down the addicted person will go before they realize the life consequences of their addiction. This may affect your life and the lives of other family members and friends in many ways. Sleepless nights, anxiety, fear, embarrassment, broken promises and commitments left unfulfilled are just some of the things we may have may experienced as we deal with the addicted person.
After a period of time, forgiveness may be something we consider, but may be difficult to really feel and carry out. We are burdened down by the addiction and what it has done to our lives.
Is there a payoff for not forgiving? One payoff may be that we can continue to feel miserable and blame it on the addicted person. That allows us to continue to blame others for our unhappiness and not take responsibility for our own lives. But we can learn to forgive. One way is through compassion.
Step 9 States ~“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
When we forgive we give the other person room to make amends and it allows us to let go of past wrongs that we feel were done to us. We may make amends to others that we have wronged, and equally important is to make amends to ourselves.
Sometimes we blame ourselves or our life circumstances for the addiction of our children. We can be filled with regret, and relive what we could have done differently. We hear that we didn’t cause the addiction, can’t control it and can’t cure it, but we may not quite believe these words because we can’t quite forgive ourselves.
As parents, we may look back on our parenting years, and ask ourselves, what did I do to cause this addiction? We may think we worked too much and were gone for long hours of the day. Maybe we did not educate ourselves on addiction and it’s early warning signs. Possibly we saw some of the signs of addiction, but were in denial. Finally, divorce may be part of our lives, the adults in the family may have had an addiction that we believe influenced the children, or maybe we just lost our parenting focus along the way. Some, many or all of these situations may have occurred as our children were growing, not to mention harsher scenarios such as abuse or neglect, which hopefully were not part of our children’s lives.
When we realize our children are addicts, many parents blame themselves, and yet as time goes on regardless of the outcome, it is important to forgive not only our addicted child for the pain they have caused us, but ourselves as well for our part in the addiction.
A 2006 study from A Campaign for Forgiveness Research “shows that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender, it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.
Another study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. The less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.”
The research of Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University found that people who are taught how to forgive become less angry, feel less hurt, are more optimistic, become more forgiving in a variety of situations, and become more compassionate and self-confident. His studies show a reduction in experience of stress, physical manifestations of stress, and an increase in vitality.
We would all agree, I believe that forgiveness is included in most religions. In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma.
Alcoholics and addicts feel guilt, shame, remorse and self-loathing. Knowing that they are forgiven is another step on their journey to sobriety.
Here are some additional reasons to forgive others or ourselves.
1. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the action.
2. Forgiveness means regaining a sense of wholeness and peace.
3. To withhold Forgiveness, means you continue to remain the victim.
4. When you Forgive, you do it for yourself, not for the other person.
5. Forgiveness means focusing your energy on the healing, not the hurtful action.
6. Compassion leads us to Forgiveness.
7. Healthy relationships need Forgiveness.
8. To be present and available, you need to heal the hurt from the past, and Forgive.
9. Forgiveness allows you to move on with your life.
10. Forgiveness lifts anxiety and depression.
11. Forgiveness means restoring yourself to basic goodness and health.
12. Forgiveness can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope.
13. Forgiveness allows us to restore faith in yourself.
14. Forgiveness is a journey and does mean that you will forget, but you can still forgive.
15. Forgiveness means we give up resentment, revenge and obsession.
16. Forgiveness allows us the freedom to begin many new and healthy life choices.
17. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the past hurts, as well as confusion.
18. Forgiveness does not mean you must continue a relationship with someone causing you harm.
19. Forgiveness allows us to let go and detach with love.
20. Forgiveness keeps ourselves in the flow of good.
21. No one benefits more from Forgiveness that the one who Forgives.
22. Forgiveness is the key to our happiness.
23. Forgiveness helps us make peace with the past.
24. Forgiveness helps us create a new future.
25. Forgiveness is a gift that one gives another.
26. Forgiveness helps us on our path to serenity.
“…ultimately, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Bitterness and anger imprison you emotionally. Forgiveness sets you free”~ Victor Parachin
How has forgiveness helped you in your life? Let us know in comments.
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Great site you have here. I’m Mark Parsec, a clean and sober pastor by the grace of God. I would like to invite you to Wordcasters, where you can share your story of recovery. I’d love to hear from you.
Be blessed!
Mark
Thanks Mark for visiting. I will contact you regarding your invitation. Thanks so much.
Forgiveness allows us to let go and detach with love.
This statement brings freedom and inner peace. Without forgiveness peace is impossible.
I agree, forgiveness is impossible without inner peace. If we strive for inner peace, it would make for a better world for all of us. Thanks for your comment, Tess,
Thank you for this reminder. My son is just getting out of rehab and heading to a sober living house. It has been a tough few months and I believe forgiveness is something we all need to do in my family.
Karen
HI Karen,
For me, forgiveness was something I really had to focus on when my daughter was in the midst of her addiction. Every day is something to celebrate and how wonderful that he is still in rehab and ready to move on to sober living. He has made great progress it sounds like. Addiction takes a great toll on a family, so forgiveness is important to remember. My thoughts are with you!
Forgiveness is such an important part of the healing process. While it is important to forgive our loved ones, it is also important to forgive ourselves.
It is important to forgive ourselves, and sometimes the hardest part of the process. Thanks for your comment.
Forgiveness is the start of the healing process.
There are, and thanks for your comment.
I had very difficult time with forgiveness:it meant to me that the offender was winning specially when he or she was making no amend ,when it is the case I really forgive and forget .But what when it is not ?
Seemed so unfair .And then I realized I was just swallowing my daily dosis of poison it was double punishment .Finally I let go but cut these people out of my life ( not trivial offenses that we all do).
Now that I have done that I feel lighter and I am not carrying that weight to my grave ;
I am being fair to myself this way and that’s the important thing ,not letting happen twice
I have 3 adult children, male 48, female 45, and male 38. I’ve come to the conclusion that certain behavior on my part stems from abandonment issues being a co-dependent. I’m trying to understand why I constantly feel the need to be affirmed of my youngest son’s approval and love of me. All my children honor me and I thank God everyday for his gift of them to me. I feel the need to be reminded that he does care and loves me by calling or coming by to visit more often. I need to detach because it is affecting my health. It has created a feeling of guilt in me that makes me want to disappear for my childish thoughts and behavior. I would appreciate any input you might feel would be helpful.
Hi Jamie,
That is interesting that you feel that way with only your youngest. Many families, ours included, have some of the adult children that prefer to be independent and cut the ties a bit more to mom and dad. Spending time alone with him doing things that he would enjoy might be helpful, although being 38, he most likely has a job and a family. I have found that when I emotionally detach a bit and find other things that interest me, it does help. Sometimes as we push too hard, and they tend to pull back. He would most likely find it interesting that you have a new hobby or new friends. It is healthier to take care of yourself and find joy in your own life. Take care.