TreatmentTalk – 2010 November

“That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.” Chinese proverb

When you realize a family member or friend needs help with an addiction, many of us go into crisis mode. But the question is how to get help, who should we talk to, and basically what should we do?

That is where Al-Anon’s sayings, slogans, and short pieces of advice can be very helpful. When I first joined Al-Anon, I wasn’t sure what this part of Al-Anon was all about, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of it. I see now that these slogans and sayings can be a guide. One example is the Do’s.

DO FORGIVE

The anger for me came when I was so unclear and frustrated about how addiction was taking hold on our family. Once I realized what the problem was, I was devastated, scared, and overwhelmed. As time went on, I was better equipped to cope with the situation. Learning that addiction is a disease leads you towards forgiveness.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF

It’s so easy to tell yourself what you want to hear – I believe that could be called denial. I know I’ve been there. The signs were clear – at times headlights blinding me – yet I could not see them, or rather chose not to. Honesty has also come with realizing I had a role to play in our families’ addiction. I did not cause it, but there are things I now know I would have done differently. [Read more...]

What is the silver lining to addiction?

The last two years of high school for my daughter were difficult. Looking through her backpack one day of her senior year, I found what looked like drugs.

I showed them to her dad who took them to the police station to find out what they were. When we were told they were crystal meth, we were both shocked and frightened. We sat her down and she told us she didn’t use drugs, but was carrying them for a friend. She said she knew that it was wrong to be doing that for someone else, etc. etc….. And yes, we believed her.

Looking back I realize how much in denial we were.

My light bulb moment came when she was at college in Colorado. She went away to school with the best of intentions. But she was on probation her first semester, flunked out the second semester and then went to summer school at the local junior college. She managed to get herself back in for the fall of her sophomore year. Things did not improve. She decided to quit school for awhile and work.

Her dad and I wanting her to be in college, continued to support her, although it was clear she was wasting our money, and her time. Her work semester didn’t go much better. She did find a part time job at a local pet store, but it seemed her hours were getting less and less, and for some reason she had trouble getting to work.

By June we were done with supporting her. We agreed to send her a rent check. Both of us feeling that this was the last bit of help we were willing to give, the last rent check we would send. We were through, and yet really did not fully understand what the problem was. The idea of having my 19 year old daughter living on the streets, was terrorizing. I went back in late June to see what I could do.

In addition to not having a job or any obvious means of support, to my surprise, she had purchased a Rottweiler puppy, named Bella. We decided one day during the visit to take the dog on a walk in the hills on a hot 80+ degree day. She had on a long sleeve t shirt which surprised me for such a hot day and during the walk, I made several comments about how hot she must be.

Finally, walking behind her, it hit me, that she was deliberately covering her arms, and I began to panic. I told her she should at least pull up her sleeves as it was so hot, and started to touch her arm. She sharply pulled her arm away and I knew. I was really numb for quite awhile as we continued down the hill, I didn’t know what to say, and praying that this was some kind of mistake. Finally, when we got to bottom, and we were on the way to the store, I confronted her in the car in the parking lot. She would not show me her arms, and just burst into tears, as did I. I began naming off drugs. Of course starting with heroin, but when I mentioned crystal meth, she nodded. I could not believe my daughter who had been a girl scout, and a member of the high school water polo team among other things, was shooting up crystal meth.

I told her I was not going to leave her in Colorado, and she said the only way she would come home was if we brought her dog, Bella. So we did.

Luckily, for all of us, she was willing to get into treatment. She went to Passages to Recovery, in Utah and then on to Safe Harbor in Costa Mesa. Her dad and I are divorced, and he kindly agreed to keep the dog at his house, for a few months, and then found a home for her with another family.

We have been very lucky with our daughter, because she did decide to finally make some good choices. She did not have the dramatic relapses. After six years, she continues to do well, earning her college degree in southern California in June of 2009, and now works at a job in her field that she enjoys. She has moved on with her life, but what she has learned, in treatment is still close to her heart. She is indeed a changed person, and would not be the person she is today, had addiction not entered her life.

And that, I believe, is the silver lining.

If you enjoyed this post, consider a free email subscription and received my ebook, “Embrace the New Life.” Do you think there is a silver lining to addiction? Share your story.

Be Well.

Cathy