TreatmentTalk – 2010 June

Practical Intelligence

Today is a beautiful day in northern California, but I thought I would come in, at least, for awhile and write another blog entry. The parent dilemma continues on with adult children, whether you have children with addiction issues or not. How much do you help them, and how much do hold back when they are struggling? For kids with addiction or dependency problems, we have been told in Al-Anon, as well as from the counselors and interventionists, not to enable our children, and they are right. Why does it feel so difficult? Our hearts are heavy when our children are hurting. It’s hard to go with your life as if everything is wonderful. So I remind myself. I only have one life, and it is mine. My children have to find their own way, and their life is their own. For any mother, this is not easy.

According to Malcolm Gladwell, who wrote Outliers, “People don’t rise from nothing. We do owe something to parentage and patronage.” I think certain circumstances lead up to a person having difficulty in life. There is not one particular thing, parenting, genetics, divorce, opportunity, financial status. We know that the circumstances in life can be identical for two people and their success in life can be very different. Gladwell goes on to talk about “practical intelligence”, a term from the psychologist, Robert Sternberg. Gladwell says that Sternberg feels practical intelligence includes things like “knowing what to say to whom, knowing when to say it and knowing how to say it for the maximum effect.” “It’s knowledge that helps you read situations correctly and get what you want.” Gladwell goes on to explain that practical intelligence is partially in our genes, but it also is taught to us as we grow.

We, as parents, learn to sit back and watch the lives of our children as they unfold. We delight in their success and we feel their despair during their hard times. Do all these addicted young adults have no practical intelligence? Did they not have it in their genes, or miss the lessons growing up? They know their world is falling down around them, and yet they seem to continue to deny the reason for it. Their standard of living continues downward, as they continually lower their expectations. Many of these are young adults are from middle class families, yet they are willing to deny many of the basic human comforts for their drug of choice. Did they have practical intelligence, and their addiction took over and destroyed it, or because this was a skill they were lacking, were they more prone to addiction? For me the final question is, if you missed the boat at some point during your youth, is it now too late? Can you recover and learn practical intelligence later in life?

Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day and it always brings memories of our dads, and childhood. For some these may not be so pleasant, but for me, I was one of the lucky ones. I was blessed and am very grateful to have had a wonderful father, who was kind, understanding, supportive and worked hard to provide for his family. He lived to the ripe old age of 93 and died very peacefully in his bed. His life was not always easy, having endured the depression and the WW II, he was aware of what going without, meant. He saved his money, some could even say he was frugal, but his good decisions allowed him to enjoy a comfortable life for himself and his family. He stressed education, hard work, and honesty among other qualities which he tried to pass along to his children.

My first experience with alcoholism was my dad’s first wife. He had been married and divorced before meeting my mother. I have three older brothers, two from my dad’s first marriage. They lived with us from the time they were about 10 and 12. On occasion, my dad’s ex-wife, Judy would call the house when my parents were away, and I would talk to her, taking the message that she had called, etc. From her slurred speech, I could tell she had been drinking, but there was really minimal contact between us. I know my older brother’s memories were much more vivid. I’m sure there were some happy moments with their mother, but I know there were also some very difficult ones.

There was so little support in the fifties. I know AA and Al Anon existed, but it would be even more shameful than toay, to admit you or someone in your family had a drinking problem.

An article in the Sunday Times’ USA Weekend magazine caught my eye this morning. It was an article about an organization in Newark called Newark’s Father’s Now, written by Wendy Sachs. It’s a program that is part of Newark Now, an initiative started by Mayor Cory Booker in his efforts to combat crime. “The mission of Father’s Now, which began in 1999, is to help former offenders and at-risk men become engaged fathers and productive citizens.” The program is six hours a day, five days a week for eight weeks. There are 200 graduates, 73% have jobs, are in school or are getting training. The cost per student is $3000.

Checking the New Jersey Department of Corrections website, it shows the annual institutional cost per inmate is approximately $38,900. This program is about half of the cost of housing an inmate. According to the USA Weekend article, only 3% of the dads return to prison.

This is a concept that all states could be looking at. Fathers have such a huge influence on children’s lives. When looking at addiction today, although we are told, that fatherless households do not cause addiction, statistics I believe, would show us that of our young alcohol and drug offenders today, as well as many of our criminals had either no father, or a disfunctional father in the home.

This is one more good idea that hopefully will continue to be successful, and more importantly be a model for other states.

Happy Fathers Day!!